Help! My Preschooler is Hitting!
05/15/12 10:23 AM Filed in:Discipline | General Parenting
On occasion, GROW Parenting will answer reader questions on our blog. We choose questions based on the issues we frequently hear about from families we work with. In today’s post, I answer a parent’s question regarding preschoolers and hitting.
Reader Question
We have been struggling for some time with our three year old hitting and kicking others. It is happening both and school and at home. He has an older brother who is six, and is generally a happy, easygoing child. He is very articulate and can express himself quite well, so this behavior is surprising to us.
It's particularly upsetting for us because he acts so happy and smiles when he hits, so it seems kind of deviant; yet my head tells me he's just looking for attention or testing for safety. We know it’s not going to help the situation to think of him as hitter. Instead, we want to understand the need, from his perspective, to hit, push, or kick others. We would love some ideas for how to deal with this issue.
Answer
I am so glad you asked this question! Aggression is one of those parenting challenges that tends to get us very worked up, yet most parents of toddlers and preschoolers deal with it at some point. We know they are normal behaviors and that they will pass, but somehow they speak to that inner critic in us. Why is my kid doing this? What will other parents think?
It can be quite challenging for parents to sit back and try to learn from it, instead of just reacting. It’s clear from your question that you are working to understand your son’s behavior, and I want to acknowledge your ability to do that. It takes patience and kindness.
You mention that your son is articulate and communicates well, so while he may be being aggressive for a reason, my gut feeling is that it is not from frustration with being unable to express himself. In addition, if he is not particularly angry when he is hitting and kicking, he may just be bored at that moment and has found a great way to get a lot of attention.
One thing I think will be important for your son, particularly because he is acting happy while hitting and kicking, is drawing his attention to how the other child is feeling. I have found that younger siblings often want to play with their older sibling but are not great at initiating it, so they use aggression because it gets their big bro or sis engaged quickly. If that is the case, I would have lots of talks about ways he can invite his big brother to play with him.
It may also be helpful to spend a few days paying close attention to when it happens. What is the setting? What happens beforehand? What happens after? Time of day, before or after meals, how much sleep he has had? See if you might be able to find any clues as to what he is looking for. Put your scientist hat on and see if you can break the code.
Teaching him ways to handle his emotions is key. Talk to him about what he CAN do when he feels angry- "it’s not ok to hit people but it is ok to do x." Share with him what you do when you are mad, sad, or want attention and help him figure out what will work for him.
Here are some steps you might try when the hitting and kicking occurs:
1) Get down on his level, look him in the eyes and say "it’s not ok to hit or kick because it hurts other people." Try to keep your tone in that kind and firm place. Not yelling, not a lot of emotions, just the facts. I wouldn't say anything else to him before checking in with the other person. He needs a respectful but firm reminder, but a big response, a long conversation, or a lot of emotion from you may be exactly what he is looking for.
2) Then I would draw his attention to the other person- "How do you think your brother might feeling right now?" If he doesn't answer, ask the other child. If the other child is not able to answer, you can describe what you notice.
Another helpful strategy is to have a conversation with him when he is calm and you two are playing. Say something like "I notice you have been using your body in a way that might hurt other people. It’s ok to be mad, to want some attention, or want someone to play with, but hitting and kicking hurt people, so let’s talk about other things could you do when you are feeling mad, left out, etc." Then you get to come up with a plan for what he might do at those times, and equally important, what you will do. We cannot control anyone else’s behavior, but we can set kind and firm boundaries and let our kids know what we will do.
For example, if you were to decide that if he continued to hit or kick, you guys would need to leave the situation, it would be important to discuss that at a calm time. Let him know that if you are out and about and he does that, you guys will need to leave where you are because you can't let other people get hurt. Next, check for his understanding. Ask him what will happen if he kicks or hits other people when you are out. Before going to social outings, you can ask him what he needs to do to keep himself and his friends safe. Ask him if he remembers what you will do if hitting or kicking occur.
When it happens, you have to then follow through in a calm way. When we can keep our own emotions in check and respond in a kind and firm way, we are most effective. You could say, "Ok, we are not being safe with our bodies so we need to leave now." He will of course be livid, so it will be really important to work on keeping yourself calm. Avoid the urge to lecture, yell, or engage in a power struggle because this only reinforces that his kicking and hitting get a big response and a ton of attention from his parents.
Follow through is a very important part of helping kids find a different way, so it’s critical to think through how you plan to respond, at a calm time. We want to model keeping our word, so only commit to what you know you can execute in a respectful way. We won’t be perfect every time and neither will our kids. If we do make a mistake, it’s just an opportunity to model how we want our children to recover from mistakes. If we say we will do something but don't follow through, our children will just keep testing every time. After a few times of responding in a calm, decisive manner, children often let go of the behavior because it’s not giving them the power they were getting from the situation in the past.
In addition, I would make sure he is getting plenty of time with you and your co-parent. It doesn't take much. If children get 20-30 minutes of child-directed, uninterrupted play time with parents, it can make all the difference. If he stops getting attention for hitting and kicking, you will need to make up for it in other ways, so give lots of encouragement at the times he is asking for attention in positive ways.
I hope these tips will give you and your family some effective tools to move your son from using his body to using his words. This is a developmental process, and the more he feels your clarity on the situation and your empathy for his feelings, the more he will be willing to use more productive ways of communicating.
Reader Question
We have been struggling for some time with our three year old hitting and kicking others. It is happening both and school and at home. He has an older brother who is six, and is generally a happy, easygoing child. He is very articulate and can express himself quite well, so this behavior is surprising to us.
It's particularly upsetting for us because he acts so happy and smiles when he hits, so it seems kind of deviant; yet my head tells me he's just looking for attention or testing for safety. We know it’s not going to help the situation to think of him as hitter. Instead, we want to understand the need, from his perspective, to hit, push, or kick others. We would love some ideas for how to deal with this issue.
Answer
I am so glad you asked this question! Aggression is one of those parenting challenges that tends to get us very worked up, yet most parents of toddlers and preschoolers deal with it at some point. We know they are normal behaviors and that they will pass, but somehow they speak to that inner critic in us. Why is my kid doing this? What will other parents think?
It can be quite challenging for parents to sit back and try to learn from it, instead of just reacting. It’s clear from your question that you are working to understand your son’s behavior, and I want to acknowledge your ability to do that. It takes patience and kindness.
You mention that your son is articulate and communicates well, so while he may be being aggressive for a reason, my gut feeling is that it is not from frustration with being unable to express himself. In addition, if he is not particularly angry when he is hitting and kicking, he may just be bored at that moment and has found a great way to get a lot of attention.
One thing I think will be important for your son, particularly because he is acting happy while hitting and kicking, is drawing his attention to how the other child is feeling. I have found that younger siblings often want to play with their older sibling but are not great at initiating it, so they use aggression because it gets their big bro or sis engaged quickly. If that is the case, I would have lots of talks about ways he can invite his big brother to play with him.
It may also be helpful to spend a few days paying close attention to when it happens. What is the setting? What happens beforehand? What happens after? Time of day, before or after meals, how much sleep he has had? See if you might be able to find any clues as to what he is looking for. Put your scientist hat on and see if you can break the code.
Teaching him ways to handle his emotions is key. Talk to him about what he CAN do when he feels angry- "it’s not ok to hit people but it is ok to do x." Share with him what you do when you are mad, sad, or want attention and help him figure out what will work for him.
Here are some steps you might try when the hitting and kicking occurs:
1) Get down on his level, look him in the eyes and say "it’s not ok to hit or kick because it hurts other people." Try to keep your tone in that kind and firm place. Not yelling, not a lot of emotions, just the facts. I wouldn't say anything else to him before checking in with the other person. He needs a respectful but firm reminder, but a big response, a long conversation, or a lot of emotion from you may be exactly what he is looking for.
2) Then I would draw his attention to the other person- "How do you think your brother might feeling right now?" If he doesn't answer, ask the other child. If the other child is not able to answer, you can describe what you notice.
Another helpful strategy is to have a conversation with him when he is calm and you two are playing. Say something like "I notice you have been using your body in a way that might hurt other people. It’s ok to be mad, to want some attention, or want someone to play with, but hitting and kicking hurt people, so let’s talk about other things could you do when you are feeling mad, left out, etc." Then you get to come up with a plan for what he might do at those times, and equally important, what you will do. We cannot control anyone else’s behavior, but we can set kind and firm boundaries and let our kids know what we will do.
For example, if you were to decide that if he continued to hit or kick, you guys would need to leave the situation, it would be important to discuss that at a calm time. Let him know that if you are out and about and he does that, you guys will need to leave where you are because you can't let other people get hurt. Next, check for his understanding. Ask him what will happen if he kicks or hits other people when you are out. Before going to social outings, you can ask him what he needs to do to keep himself and his friends safe. Ask him if he remembers what you will do if hitting or kicking occur.
When it happens, you have to then follow through in a calm way. When we can keep our own emotions in check and respond in a kind and firm way, we are most effective. You could say, "Ok, we are not being safe with our bodies so we need to leave now." He will of course be livid, so it will be really important to work on keeping yourself calm. Avoid the urge to lecture, yell, or engage in a power struggle because this only reinforces that his kicking and hitting get a big response and a ton of attention from his parents.
Follow through is a very important part of helping kids find a different way, so it’s critical to think through how you plan to respond, at a calm time. We want to model keeping our word, so only commit to what you know you can execute in a respectful way. We won’t be perfect every time and neither will our kids. If we do make a mistake, it’s just an opportunity to model how we want our children to recover from mistakes. If we say we will do something but don't follow through, our children will just keep testing every time. After a few times of responding in a calm, decisive manner, children often let go of the behavior because it’s not giving them the power they were getting from the situation in the past.
In addition, I would make sure he is getting plenty of time with you and your co-parent. It doesn't take much. If children get 20-30 minutes of child-directed, uninterrupted play time with parents, it can make all the difference. If he stops getting attention for hitting and kicking, you will need to make up for it in other ways, so give lots of encouragement at the times he is asking for attention in positive ways.
I hope these tips will give you and your family some effective tools to move your son from using his body to using his words. This is a developmental process, and the more he feels your clarity on the situation and your empathy for his feelings, the more he will be willing to use more productive ways of communicating.
Comments
Caring for mom FIRST: A Truly Unselfish Act!
04/30/12 07:48 AM Filed in:General Parenting
When you first became a parent, you immediately put your focus on the needs of your child. Your infant needed your attention in order to survive. However, if even your basic needs are neglected, neither parent nor child will survive. Therefore, the needs of the parent must come FIRST in order for the rest of the family to thrive.
What mom isn’t looking for help to get her kids to toe-the-line, find time for herself and make her life go more smoothly? Wouldn’t it be great if moms had a place to have fun, get pampered in addition to getting a year’s worth of great advice and support for the endless and often thankless work in just one day?
This place exists and it’s called MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms www.Mamacon.net , and will take place May 18 & 19 at the Bellevue Hilton.
Grow Parenting is excited and honored to be contributors and participants in the inaugural MamaCon event that will change the lives of hundreds of moms in and around the Puget Sound area. With over 50 parenting and life speakers and experts, including Rosalind Wiseman, New York Times best selling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, free mini-spa treatments, wine tasting, a comedy show and Seattle Mom Prom www.seattlemomprom.com local moms will get just what they need to be happier, calmer, and more empowered mamas.
Here are just a few of the speakers and topics you will have to choose from at this two day event:
Life Strategies
Solving the Dinner Dilemma: Stress-Free Cooking For Busy Moms - Make Ahead Mamas
Envy the Energizer Bunny? Sleep for the Exhausted Mama - Catherine Darley, ND
Vodka: It’s Not Just for Drinking Jim Allen
Getting Your Groove Back: Sex for the Exhausted Mama - Amy Johnson
From Clutter to Calm - Sara Eizen
Motherhood, Money and Mayhem - Debbie Whitlock
The Momarchy: Take Your Life Back From Your Kids - Angela Toussaint
Parenting Strategies
Raising Resilient Kids- Avoiding Praise Junkies! - Sarina Behar Natkin
Turn It Off! Tips and Tools for Parenting in the Age of Technology - Ann Hungar Steel
Chores Without Challenge - Patricia Nan Anderson
Turning Anger to Empathy: Responding to Misbehavior with Empathy - Kathy Slattengren
Creating Grateful Kids - Shirin Shirkat
That Would Never Happen to MY Daughter! - Kelly Marquet
Picky Eating: It’s Not Your Fault! - Matthew Amster-Burton
The ABC’s of Emotion Coaching – Melissa Benaroya
Register today at MamaCon and take advantage of this $20 off code: MCNSPEC
A Parenting Recipe for Raising Healthy Eaters
04/18/12 06:07 AM Filed in:General Parenting | Discipline
This article originally appeared as a guest post on Herbivoracious.
“What’s for dinner?” “Ugh, I hate green beans!” “Can I have dessert yet?” “I’m not hungry (but I will be as soon as you clear the table)”…the list of mealtime complaints can go on and on. Not to mention the mayhem that may ensue before your little one can even talk. Not many parents can forget the frustration of thrown food, the mess of the yogurt in the hair, or the game of “watch mommy pick up my bagel over and over again.”
Food is a huge part of human life and most parents I meet cannot wait to dive in to the world of food with their babies. As the wife of a food blogger and chef, we must have spent weeks talking about what our first food would be! Little did we know we were in store for a whole lot more than the idyllic family meals of The Cosby Show.
Clearly Americans seem to have a love/hate relationship with food. Scan the headlines in just about any newspaper and it’s filled with what to eat, what not to eat, who should eat less, who should eat more. It’s enough to drive an anxious parent to confiscate Halloween candy only to wallow in chocolate when no one is looking.
What if there was a different way? What if we step back and look at the big picture? Taking a long-term parenting perspective can help us let go of the power struggles and give our children the skills to develop a healthy relationship with food. I am not a nutritionist, so this will not be an article about nutritional content or what a healthy diet looks like. Instead, I offer a recipe for building healthy eating habits that last a lifetime.
Children learn so much more from what we do than what we say. Given that we eat several times each day, your relationship with food is readily apparent to your children. They notice what you eat, how you talk about food, and how you talk about your own and other people’s bodies.
As a mother of two girls and someone who struggled with body image from about age 12, this was an area I thought about a great deal. As a matter of fact, for me, it was the one thing I hoped to get “right” with my daughters. If I could pick one area to be successful in as a parent, it would be for my children to know they are loved unconditionally for who they are on the inside, not what they look like on the outside. This meant being very aware of what my eating habits look like. Was I eating a healthy diet? Did I have a lot of variety on my plate even before they were eating table food?
It is critical that we think about not just what our children see now, but where our values and beliefs around food came from. Were mealtimes pleasant in your own childhood? Were you plagued with body image issues as many in our culture are? Even if you are one of those people who can live on donuts and nachos without gaining an ounce, that’s worth thinking about as well. Sometimes parents who have never had to give a thought to maintaining a healthy weight find it challenging to understand the body image issues that may come up for their teens and tweens.
Whatever our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on food may be, we need to be aware of them before we can really help our kids be clear on theirs. If we don’t, we risk sending mixed messages to our kids.
Nothing can strip kids of a healthy relationship with food faster than power struggles. Kids are smart. They know what they want. They also know their bodies are their own. The more we try to control, the more they will resist. Anyone who has spent some time with a toddler knows they can out wait us grown-ups every time.
I know most parents have heard this before, but at least once a day I want to slip a piece of paper stating it to a parent deep in the dance of wills with a child. So here it is: Your job is to put healthy food options on the table, their job is to choose whether or not to eat and how much to eat. Seems simple? It might be, if we really have worked at step one, examining our own relationship with food. Let me say it again: parents decide the what and when of eating, kids decide the how much.
Once upon a time, we too had an innate ability to listen to our bodies, know what it craved and know how much our bodies needed of it. From years of using food as rewards and comfort (and whatever else we believe has contributed to obesity in America) we have learned how to override our amazing self-regulating system. LETS NOT DO THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!
Here are some of the most common power struggles I see around food along with tools from Positive Discipline that can help avoid them from the start:
Behold The Power of Treats!
Kids want them. All of the time. Of course they do! We often have made it the source of all happiness and the forbidden fruit at the same time. All of life’s big events seem to have them. Birthday parties, holidays, celebrations have them. We use them as reward for big things and small. Pee pee in the potty? Yay, you get an M&M! Bad day? Lets go get cupcakes. What if you decided on some clear rules around the role of treats in your family, shared those with your child, and then followed through with kindness and firmness at the same time?
Here’s an example of what this looks like in our home. First off, we took some time to talk about our own experiences with treats. We were both pretty clear that we love treats and think they are a normal part of life. We knew from our life experience that if we feel deprived of something, we just want it more. We all pick our battles based on our core values. For us, we felt that battling over treats was not going to be helpful to our children in developing a healthy relationship with food.
We decided when our first child was around 2 and started regularly asking for treats that a small treat each day was absolutely fine. Some days there are birthday parties or special events or some other opportunity for a bigger treat. If we know those are coming up, we make sure not to have bigger treats on the days around then. We very clearly explained this to our two year old, and have had virtually no struggles around treats in our house. We have gone through both children’s toddler and preschool years with a candy bowl in an open cabinet at their level. They know what a small treat is because we have taught them. It is one piece of candy, a few chocolate chips, or a few M&Ms, and they rarely ask for more. On occasion they will ask for something bigger. We take a moment, think about the days ahead and if they will be having any bigger treats in the next day or two and, we can decide together.
There’s another part of the treat power struggle that I see frequently. “You can have dessert when you finish dinner.” I often see this as an invitation for kids to either rush through dinner to get on to dessert or not eat enough dinner just so they can move on to dessert.
This was not a struggle I wanted to spend time on. I wanted meal times to be calm and focused on eating a well-balanced meal together as a family. Again, I also wanted my children to have a healthy relationship with treats. If it was such a big deal that they had to eat something else before getting to dessert, I would be making dessert into a forbidden fruit, and I might as well write a formal invitation for a power struggle. For this reason, our children often have their treats after school. If after school is not a good fit for your family, I would consider putting dessert on the table at the same time as dinner. If desserts are an appropriate size, it shouldn’t matter the order they eat it in.
Short-order Cooking
While I often see families put their foot down about finishing dinner before dessert or taking a required number of bites, I see them send the opposite message about mealtime when they make special food for their children. If you have prepared a meal for your family and your children immediately rejects it, how often do you make them something else? In our home, the answer is never.
Thanks to a friend with a child older than my first, we embraced a fantastic rule for addressing the inevitable rejection of what’s for dinner. If our children do not want is made, they are welcome to have fruit or yogurt. Now that our children are old enough, we took it a step further- they need to get it themselves. This means if the fruit they want is an uncut melon, that’s not going to fly. They need to pick something they are able to manage by themselves so that we may continue enjoying our dinner. Not only is this a lifesaver for power struggles, it is also an opportunity for kids to exercise the essential life skills of independence and self-sufficiency.
Forcing Foods
Children who are exposed to lots of different flavors will eventually eat a varied diet. They may reject foods many times before agreeing to try them, only to decide that they actually like it. Our second child rejected tofu, a staple in our vegetarian home, for a full two years! We just kept putting it on the table with no pressure to try it, knowing she would when she was ready. If we insisted on her eating a mandatory amount of bites, we likely would have pushed her away from tofu for much longer. Put the food that you make on the table, allow them to choose whether or not to eat it, and you go ahead and enjoy it. Remember how kids learn so much more from what we do than what we say? I think the quickest way to get a child to try a new food is for the parent to sit down and eat it and not even ask if they want to try it. Just the fact that you are enjoying it is enough to pique their interest!
I love vegetables. I loved that our first child ate any and every vegetable for the first four years. Then her adventurous palette went in to hiding, as is common of four year olds. If I forced her to eat vegetables that she doesn’t like, I would have likely sent that former veggie lover in to many years of hating vegetables. Instead I know that she gets almost as many nutrients from fruit, she takes a daily multivitamin, and she will eat the few vegetables she likes with glee. We continue to make a variety of vegetables and put them on the table, and I know that she will enjoy them when she is ready.
Along the same lines as forcing food, another common issue I see in my practice are parents spoon-feeding kids way too old to be fed. From the time your child starts solid foods, they are old enough to practice feeding themselves. Yes, it may be messier, but they cannot develop the skills without practice. I understand that it may be longer before toddlers can use a spoon with runny foods, but by all means, they need to be feeding themselves everything else! I often see parents feeding two and three year olds. This is only going to hasten the process of your child tuning out their own body signals around what they need to eat and how much. Put the spoon down, and trust your child will get enough to eat.
Parental fears and guilt plays a huge role in this one. There is the dreaded fear that if they don’t get enough to eat, they will wake us up at night. This is a self-correcting problem if we let it be. Mealtimes and snack times are when we eat. If we don’t eat when meals and snacks are offered, we may be hungry. What happens if you miss a meal? Missing one meal will not have any long-term impact. But what about the long-term impact of saying: “This is when our family eats” instead of rescuing our children from the choices they make? If we rescue them from discomfort and frustration, they will believe they are not able to handle those emotions. What happens then when we are not there to fix their world for them? Will they believe in their own ability to make healthy choices for themselves? Will they have the resilience to deal with life’s challenges? Your child will survive if they miss dinner one night. Believe in their resilience and they will believe in themselves.
Then there’s the guilt. Food represents so much more than enjoying taste and sustaining our bodies. It represents care. I feed you, I care for you. If I deprive you of a snack when you didn’t eat dinner and you are supposed to be sleeping, I must not care for you. Is that really the truth though? How about I love you enough to believe you will survive this night. I love you enough to know that if I resist the urge to say “I told you so”, I will be giving you the space to evaluate for yourself if you want to make a different choice tomorrow. If we let guilt run the show, we may do all sorts of things that deprive our children of critical life skills. As parents, we owe it to our children to sit with our own feelings instead of always rescuing, so our children learn to sit with theirs.
Many of us fondly remember cooking with our parents. For my husband, it was the inspiration for a lifetime of cooking. He lost his mother to breast cancer at a young age, yet cooking with her and then for her as she fought cancer shaped him profoundly. He now has an amazing blog and upcoming cookbook release to show for it. The connection he had with his mom, through cooking with her as a child, is still what keeps him connected to her today.
When people feel connected and valued for their role, they are much more likely to be an active participant. This is true for adults and kids alike. How much better does food taste when you worked hard to create it? How much more do you appreciate what went into creating something when you saw the process? Involving kids in meal preparation not only helps them feel needed, but also helps them appreciate the meal that follows.
Children can join in with meal preparation at a very young age. Our first child was experimenting with modernist cuisine at the age of three by making asparagus spheres with dad! No, they may not julienne the carrots perfectly, but there is much even an 18 month old can do to feel a part of making the meal.
Involving kids can start before the actual cooking. Families who involve their children in meal planning and shopping are giving their kids even more opportunities to feel connected. The learning opportunities are overflowing when we teach them about planning ahead, selecting ingredients, weighing produce, learning about money, and all of the steps that bring food from farm to table. They develop a sense of pride from contributing to the family work right up through setting the table. The biggest bonus- when they are involved throughout the entire process, they are more likely to eat it!
When we step back and take a long-term parenting perspective on the role of food in the lives of our children, we quickly realize that controlling and rescuing are not going to give our children a healthy relationship with food. If we want our children to find joy in food and love their bodies, we must let go and put an end to power struggles around food.
I know I am not the first to suggest our culture’s love/hate relationship with food is literally killing us. I also know that we want a better world for our children. We want them to be healthy; we want them to love themselves unconditionally. All of this is possible when we widen our parenting lens and start with ourselves. When we are able to develop a healthy relationship with food as adults, we will let go of the guilt and fear that clouds our parenting choices. Only then can our children truly develop a healthy relationship with food.
“What’s for dinner?” “Ugh, I hate green beans!” “Can I have dessert yet?” “I’m not hungry (but I will be as soon as you clear the table)”…the list of mealtime complaints can go on and on. Not to mention the mayhem that may ensue before your little one can even talk. Not many parents can forget the frustration of thrown food, the mess of the yogurt in the hair, or the game of “watch mommy pick up my bagel over and over again.”
Food is a huge part of human life and most parents I meet cannot wait to dive in to the world of food with their babies. As the wife of a food blogger and chef, we must have spent weeks talking about what our first food would be! Little did we know we were in store for a whole lot more than the idyllic family meals of The Cosby Show.
Clearly Americans seem to have a love/hate relationship with food. Scan the headlines in just about any newspaper and it’s filled with what to eat, what not to eat, who should eat less, who should eat more. It’s enough to drive an anxious parent to confiscate Halloween candy only to wallow in chocolate when no one is looking.
What if there was a different way? What if we step back and look at the big picture? Taking a long-term parenting perspective can help us let go of the power struggles and give our children the skills to develop a healthy relationship with food. I am not a nutritionist, so this will not be an article about nutritional content or what a healthy diet looks like. Instead, I offer a recipe for building healthy eating habits that last a lifetime.
Step 1- Create Self Awareness
Children learn so much more from what we do than what we say. Given that we eat several times each day, your relationship with food is readily apparent to your children. They notice what you eat, how you talk about food, and how you talk about your own and other people’s bodies.
As a mother of two girls and someone who struggled with body image from about age 12, this was an area I thought about a great deal. As a matter of fact, for me, it was the one thing I hoped to get “right” with my daughters. If I could pick one area to be successful in as a parent, it would be for my children to know they are loved unconditionally for who they are on the inside, not what they look like on the outside. This meant being very aware of what my eating habits look like. Was I eating a healthy diet? Did I have a lot of variety on my plate even before they were eating table food?
It is critical that we think about not just what our children see now, but where our values and beliefs around food came from. Were mealtimes pleasant in your own childhood? Were you plagued with body image issues as many in our culture are? Even if you are one of those people who can live on donuts and nachos without gaining an ounce, that’s worth thinking about as well. Sometimes parents who have never had to give a thought to maintaining a healthy weight find it challenging to understand the body image issues that may come up for their teens and tweens.
Whatever our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on food may be, we need to be aware of them before we can really help our kids be clear on theirs. If we don’t, we risk sending mixed messages to our kids.
Step 2- End Power Struggles
Nothing can strip kids of a healthy relationship with food faster than power struggles. Kids are smart. They know what they want. They also know their bodies are their own. The more we try to control, the more they will resist. Anyone who has spent some time with a toddler knows they can out wait us grown-ups every time.
I know most parents have heard this before, but at least once a day I want to slip a piece of paper stating it to a parent deep in the dance of wills with a child. So here it is: Your job is to put healthy food options on the table, their job is to choose whether or not to eat and how much to eat. Seems simple? It might be, if we really have worked at step one, examining our own relationship with food. Let me say it again: parents decide the what and when of eating, kids decide the how much.
Once upon a time, we too had an innate ability to listen to our bodies, know what it craved and know how much our bodies needed of it. From years of using food as rewards and comfort (and whatever else we believe has contributed to obesity in America) we have learned how to override our amazing self-regulating system. LETS NOT DO THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!
Here are some of the most common power struggles I see around food along with tools from Positive Discipline that can help avoid them from the start:
Behold The Power of Treats!
Kids want them. All of the time. Of course they do! We often have made it the source of all happiness and the forbidden fruit at the same time. All of life’s big events seem to have them. Birthday parties, holidays, celebrations have them. We use them as reward for big things and small. Pee pee in the potty? Yay, you get an M&M! Bad day? Lets go get cupcakes. What if you decided on some clear rules around the role of treats in your family, shared those with your child, and then followed through with kindness and firmness at the same time?
Here’s an example of what this looks like in our home. First off, we took some time to talk about our own experiences with treats. We were both pretty clear that we love treats and think they are a normal part of life. We knew from our life experience that if we feel deprived of something, we just want it more. We all pick our battles based on our core values. For us, we felt that battling over treats was not going to be helpful to our children in developing a healthy relationship with food.
We decided when our first child was around 2 and started regularly asking for treats that a small treat each day was absolutely fine. Some days there are birthday parties or special events or some other opportunity for a bigger treat. If we know those are coming up, we make sure not to have bigger treats on the days around then. We very clearly explained this to our two year old, and have had virtually no struggles around treats in our house. We have gone through both children’s toddler and preschool years with a candy bowl in an open cabinet at their level. They know what a small treat is because we have taught them. It is one piece of candy, a few chocolate chips, or a few M&Ms, and they rarely ask for more. On occasion they will ask for something bigger. We take a moment, think about the days ahead and if they will be having any bigger treats in the next day or two and, we can decide together.
There’s another part of the treat power struggle that I see frequently. “You can have dessert when you finish dinner.” I often see this as an invitation for kids to either rush through dinner to get on to dessert or not eat enough dinner just so they can move on to dessert.
This was not a struggle I wanted to spend time on. I wanted meal times to be calm and focused on eating a well-balanced meal together as a family. Again, I also wanted my children to have a healthy relationship with treats. If it was such a big deal that they had to eat something else before getting to dessert, I would be making dessert into a forbidden fruit, and I might as well write a formal invitation for a power struggle. For this reason, our children often have their treats after school. If after school is not a good fit for your family, I would consider putting dessert on the table at the same time as dinner. If desserts are an appropriate size, it shouldn’t matter the order they eat it in.
Short-order Cooking
While I often see families put their foot down about finishing dinner before dessert or taking a required number of bites, I see them send the opposite message about mealtime when they make special food for their children. If you have prepared a meal for your family and your children immediately rejects it, how often do you make them something else? In our home, the answer is never.
Thanks to a friend with a child older than my first, we embraced a fantastic rule for addressing the inevitable rejection of what’s for dinner. If our children do not want is made, they are welcome to have fruit or yogurt. Now that our children are old enough, we took it a step further- they need to get it themselves. This means if the fruit they want is an uncut melon, that’s not going to fly. They need to pick something they are able to manage by themselves so that we may continue enjoying our dinner. Not only is this a lifesaver for power struggles, it is also an opportunity for kids to exercise the essential life skills of independence and self-sufficiency.
Forcing Foods
Children who are exposed to lots of different flavors will eventually eat a varied diet. They may reject foods many times before agreeing to try them, only to decide that they actually like it. Our second child rejected tofu, a staple in our vegetarian home, for a full two years! We just kept putting it on the table with no pressure to try it, knowing she would when she was ready. If we insisted on her eating a mandatory amount of bites, we likely would have pushed her away from tofu for much longer. Put the food that you make on the table, allow them to choose whether or not to eat it, and you go ahead and enjoy it. Remember how kids learn so much more from what we do than what we say? I think the quickest way to get a child to try a new food is for the parent to sit down and eat it and not even ask if they want to try it. Just the fact that you are enjoying it is enough to pique their interest!
I love vegetables. I loved that our first child ate any and every vegetable for the first four years. Then her adventurous palette went in to hiding, as is common of four year olds. If I forced her to eat vegetables that she doesn’t like, I would have likely sent that former veggie lover in to many years of hating vegetables. Instead I know that she gets almost as many nutrients from fruit, she takes a daily multivitamin, and she will eat the few vegetables she likes with glee. We continue to make a variety of vegetables and put them on the table, and I know that she will enjoy them when she is ready.
Along the same lines as forcing food, another common issue I see in my practice are parents spoon-feeding kids way too old to be fed. From the time your child starts solid foods, they are old enough to practice feeding themselves. Yes, it may be messier, but they cannot develop the skills without practice. I understand that it may be longer before toddlers can use a spoon with runny foods, but by all means, they need to be feeding themselves everything else! I often see parents feeding two and three year olds. This is only going to hasten the process of your child tuning out their own body signals around what they need to eat and how much. Put the spoon down, and trust your child will get enough to eat.
Parental fears and guilt plays a huge role in this one. There is the dreaded fear that if they don’t get enough to eat, they will wake us up at night. This is a self-correcting problem if we let it be. Mealtimes and snack times are when we eat. If we don’t eat when meals and snacks are offered, we may be hungry. What happens if you miss a meal? Missing one meal will not have any long-term impact. But what about the long-term impact of saying: “This is when our family eats” instead of rescuing our children from the choices they make? If we rescue them from discomfort and frustration, they will believe they are not able to handle those emotions. What happens then when we are not there to fix their world for them? Will they believe in their own ability to make healthy choices for themselves? Will they have the resilience to deal with life’s challenges? Your child will survive if they miss dinner one night. Believe in their resilience and they will believe in themselves.
Then there’s the guilt. Food represents so much more than enjoying taste and sustaining our bodies. It represents care. I feed you, I care for you. If I deprive you of a snack when you didn’t eat dinner and you are supposed to be sleeping, I must not care for you. Is that really the truth though? How about I love you enough to believe you will survive this night. I love you enough to know that if I resist the urge to say “I told you so”, I will be giving you the space to evaluate for yourself if you want to make a different choice tomorrow. If we let guilt run the show, we may do all sorts of things that deprive our children of critical life skills. As parents, we owe it to our children to sit with our own feelings instead of always rescuing, so our children learn to sit with theirs.
Step 3- Involve Kids in the Process
Many of us fondly remember cooking with our parents. For my husband, it was the inspiration for a lifetime of cooking. He lost his mother to breast cancer at a young age, yet cooking with her and then for her as she fought cancer shaped him profoundly. He now has an amazing blog and upcoming cookbook release to show for it. The connection he had with his mom, through cooking with her as a child, is still what keeps him connected to her today.
When people feel connected and valued for their role, they are much more likely to be an active participant. This is true for adults and kids alike. How much better does food taste when you worked hard to create it? How much more do you appreciate what went into creating something when you saw the process? Involving kids in meal preparation not only helps them feel needed, but also helps them appreciate the meal that follows.
Children can join in with meal preparation at a very young age. Our first child was experimenting with modernist cuisine at the age of three by making asparagus spheres with dad! No, they may not julienne the carrots perfectly, but there is much even an 18 month old can do to feel a part of making the meal.
Involving kids can start before the actual cooking. Families who involve their children in meal planning and shopping are giving their kids even more opportunities to feel connected. The learning opportunities are overflowing when we teach them about planning ahead, selecting ingredients, weighing produce, learning about money, and all of the steps that bring food from farm to table. They develop a sense of pride from contributing to the family work right up through setting the table. The biggest bonus- when they are involved throughout the entire process, they are more likely to eat it!
Step 4- Bon Appetit!
When we step back and take a long-term parenting perspective on the role of food in the lives of our children, we quickly realize that controlling and rescuing are not going to give our children a healthy relationship with food. If we want our children to find joy in food and love their bodies, we must let go and put an end to power struggles around food.
I know I am not the first to suggest our culture’s love/hate relationship with food is literally killing us. I also know that we want a better world for our children. We want them to be healthy; we want them to love themselves unconditionally. All of this is possible when we widen our parenting lens and start with ourselves. When we are able to develop a healthy relationship with food as adults, we will let go of the guilt and fear that clouds our parenting choices. Only then can our children truly develop a healthy relationship with food.
Preschool Search Starts Now, With You!
04/02/12 12:08 PM Filed in:General Parenting
GROW Parenting is thrilled to have education coach Anoo Padte as our guest blogger today. GROW Parenting is a proud co-sponsor of Anoo's upcoming lecture on April 9, 2012 entitled "Choosing the Right Preschool." We hope you will join us!
October through January is the busiest time of year for parents seeking admission at all grade levels from preschool through college at independent and public schools. In those hectic months, parents try to identify schools, visit them, apply and get interviewed. That’s a lot of ground to cover in four months and it misses one crucial beginning step. A good part of choosing the right school relies on knowing what matters to your child and your family.
This is most true in searching for a preschool. As children blossom and change rapidly in early years, still growing to articulate and convey their needs, parents rely on what they want for their child’s preschool years. In years to come, school choice grows to be a collaborative process that includes the child’s voice. But, at preschool, it is mostly about what parents think is right and want. A big part of the preschool choice process begins with parents’ own educational experience, family values, logistical needs, demand for specific care situations, hopes of nurturing skills in those crucial early years.
It is hard to reflect on these foundational questions while also identifying schools and visiting them. As schools offer overwhelming amounts of information, it is easy for parents to choose what they want based on what they see at a specific school. It’s like buying an apple because that is what you see at the store, without thinking about whether you even want a fruit. While matching parent’s hopes and expectations to what a school offers is an important step in the process, it needs to come after parents have had a chance and have taken the time to reflect on what they want outside of what a specific school has to offer. More importantly it is crucial for parents to gather fundamental information about what children need in preschool years and the types of preschools that exist. This needs to happen before they identify specific preschools to visit.
As admission to leading preschools in the area begins in October the best time to begin this reflective, self-education process is in spring, before the bustle of summer starts when schools close and before parents know it, it is time to dive into the admission process. The PEPS and GROW Parenting sponsored Choosing the Right Preschool workshop offers parents a unique, timely opportunity to learn about what children most need in preschool, types of preschools and ways in which parents can begin to ask themselves what they most want for their young ones and themselves.
Register today so you can enjoy the process of choosing the right preschool and land your child is just the right spot.
Find more information about Anoo at www.artofeducation.net.
October through January is the busiest time of year for parents seeking admission at all grade levels from preschool through college at independent and public schools. In those hectic months, parents try to identify schools, visit them, apply and get interviewed. That’s a lot of ground to cover in four months and it misses one crucial beginning step. A good part of choosing the right school relies on knowing what matters to your child and your family.
This is most true in searching for a preschool. As children blossom and change rapidly in early years, still growing to articulate and convey their needs, parents rely on what they want for their child’s preschool years. In years to come, school choice grows to be a collaborative process that includes the child’s voice. But, at preschool, it is mostly about what parents think is right and want. A big part of the preschool choice process begins with parents’ own educational experience, family values, logistical needs, demand for specific care situations, hopes of nurturing skills in those crucial early years.
It is hard to reflect on these foundational questions while also identifying schools and visiting them. As schools offer overwhelming amounts of information, it is easy for parents to choose what they want based on what they see at a specific school. It’s like buying an apple because that is what you see at the store, without thinking about whether you even want a fruit. While matching parent’s hopes and expectations to what a school offers is an important step in the process, it needs to come after parents have had a chance and have taken the time to reflect on what they want outside of what a specific school has to offer. More importantly it is crucial for parents to gather fundamental information about what children need in preschool years and the types of preschools that exist. This needs to happen before they identify specific preschools to visit.
As admission to leading preschools in the area begins in October the best time to begin this reflective, self-education process is in spring, before the bustle of summer starts when schools close and before parents know it, it is time to dive into the admission process. The PEPS and GROW Parenting sponsored Choosing the Right Preschool workshop offers parents a unique, timely opportunity to learn about what children most need in preschool, types of preschools and ways in which parents can begin to ask themselves what they most want for their young ones and themselves.
Register today so you can enjoy the process of choosing the right preschool and land your child is just the right spot.
Find more information about Anoo at www.artofeducation.net.
The Road to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
03/25/12 10:42 PM Filed in:General Parenting
By Melissa Benaroya
Why is it so darn hard to feel like you are a great parent and that your responses to your children are not only respectful but also effective? After working with children and their families for nearly fifteen years I had a moment of clarity this week. Becoming the parent you want to be is really a three part process:
1) Greater understanding
2) Learning or honing skills
3) Choosing to practice skills until they become natural
Parenting is a job that should require some training, but there really isn’t a formal education you can receive to prepare you for the task! It is helpful to note that becoming the parent you want to be is a process and it can only happen with on the job training. So, the first part of the process is GREATER UNDERSTANDING. Simply put, this means understanding what the heck is going on with your child during each stage of development, why it is happening, and what you can do to support your child during this time. Remember that line “knowledge is power?" This is true in parenting too. If you understand why your child is doing all the crazy things they are doing you can better empathize, connect, and support them. Even when they are screaming bloody murder in your face you have a greater ability to remain calm and present, because you understand that it is not about you!
The second part of the process is learning new parenting skills or honing the ones you already have. Many of the parents that I work are amazing employees and managers. They have skills to navigate tough people and situations in the work place. Many times what is required is just stepping back to see how these same skills can be useful in working with their children. For other parents learning parenting skills is a whole new world. A lot of parents tend to recreate the dynamic that they grew up in, even though their intention is to be completely different than the parents who raised them. By learning four or five responses that are both respectful and effective it can help parents create the family relationships they desire while handling their child’s behaviors and emotions.
The last part of the process is the hardest! Yes, it actually requires that you apply your understanding while practicing the skills you have in your parenting toolbox. And it does not require a little practice, it requires A LOT! Making the choice to practice and use your skills takes effort and time. But the investment you make will pay off in spades. This is your family, you owe it not only to them to make the investment but you also owe it to yourself. You deserve a great life and a wonderful family. So invest in the process, and I guarantee you will reap the rewards.
1) Greater understanding
2) Learning or honing skills
3) Choosing to practice skills until they become natural
Parenting is a job that should require some training, but there really isn’t a formal education you can receive to prepare you for the task! It is helpful to note that becoming the parent you want to be is a process and it can only happen with on the job training. So, the first part of the process is GREATER UNDERSTANDING. Simply put, this means understanding what the heck is going on with your child during each stage of development, why it is happening, and what you can do to support your child during this time. Remember that line “knowledge is power?" This is true in parenting too. If you understand why your child is doing all the crazy things they are doing you can better empathize, connect, and support them. Even when they are screaming bloody murder in your face you have a greater ability to remain calm and present, because you understand that it is not about you!
The second part of the process is learning new parenting skills or honing the ones you already have. Many of the parents that I work are amazing employees and managers. They have skills to navigate tough people and situations in the work place. Many times what is required is just stepping back to see how these same skills can be useful in working with their children. For other parents learning parenting skills is a whole new world. A lot of parents tend to recreate the dynamic that they grew up in, even though their intention is to be completely different than the parents who raised them. By learning four or five responses that are both respectful and effective it can help parents create the family relationships they desire while handling their child’s behaviors and emotions.
The last part of the process is the hardest! Yes, it actually requires that you apply your understanding while practicing the skills you have in your parenting toolbox. And it does not require a little practice, it requires A LOT! Making the choice to practice and use your skills takes effort and time. But the investment you make will pay off in spades. This is your family, you owe it not only to them to make the investment but you also owe it to yourself. You deserve a great life and a wonderful family. So invest in the process, and I guarantee you will reap the rewards.