Keep Halloween Happy by Planning Ahead!
10/29/12 11:31 AM Filed in: General Parenting Mealtimes
By Sarina Behar Natkin
We are just two days away from Halloween! Have you made a plan with your children for helping them celebrate without turning in to monsters? Often our best parenting comes when we think ahead and involve our children in the discussion. GROW Parenting has three tips to help your family enjoy the day:
- Create A Game Plan.
Your little ghost might be ready to spook the entire city, while you are hoping for a trip around the block. Get clear before you leave the house on where you will go and how long you will trick-or-treat.
- Candy Is Dandy When Kids Know The Rules. Whether you are fine with a night of endless candy, like to ration the candy out over time, or plan to play the switch witch (the good witch who visits after Halloween and switches your child’s candy for a new toy), avoid meltdowns by talking about it beforehand. When the whining and begging starts, simply ask in a kind voice, “what is our plan for Halloween candy?” Remaining calm while expressing empathy with your child’s wishes will help you both follow through on your plan.
- Play It Safe.
Halloween can be fun for all ages, but safety is a must. Young children may be hard to spot in dark clothing, so consider reflectors, glow sticks, or flashlights for helping them stay visible. Masks are fun to wear but making sure your visibility is still clear and there are adequate holes for breathing. If you have older kids ready to venture out alone, know whom they will be with, where they will be going and what time they will be home. Ask what their plan is for staying safe, and what they will do if problems arise.
***If you enjoyed this post, show us a little love by voting for GROW Parenting in Red Tricycle's 2012 Totally Awesome Awards!***
We are just two days away from Halloween! Have you made a plan with your children for helping them celebrate without turning in to monsters? Often our best parenting comes when we think ahead and involve our children in the discussion. GROW Parenting has three tips to help your family enjoy the day:
- Create A Game Plan.
Your little ghost might be ready to spook the entire city, while you are hoping for a trip around the block. Get clear before you leave the house on where you will go and how long you will trick-or-treat.
- Candy Is Dandy When Kids Know The Rules. Whether you are fine with a night of endless candy, like to ration the candy out over time, or plan to play the switch witch (the good witch who visits after Halloween and switches your child’s candy for a new toy), avoid meltdowns by talking about it beforehand. When the whining and begging starts, simply ask in a kind voice, “what is our plan for Halloween candy?” Remaining calm while expressing empathy with your child’s wishes will help you both follow through on your plan.
- Play It Safe.
Halloween can be fun for all ages, but safety is a must. Young children may be hard to spot in dark clothing, so consider reflectors, glow sticks, or flashlights for helping them stay visible. Masks are fun to wear but making sure your visibility is still clear and there are adequate holes for breathing. If you have older kids ready to venture out alone, know whom they will be with, where they will be going and what time they will be home. Ask what their plan is for staying safe, and what they will do if problems arise.
***If you enjoyed this post, show us a little love by voting for GROW Parenting in Red Tricycle's 2012 Totally Awesome Awards!***
Comments
Talking Time Outs:
What GROW Parenting had to say on the local news!
10/23/12 07:23 PM Filed in: Discipline General Parenting
Watch GROW Parenting Co-founder Melissa Benaroya on Q13 Fox News as she talks about time outs!
Click here to watch video.
For a full article on Time Outs, check out our blog post.
Click here to watch video.
For a full article on Time Outs, check out our blog post.
Time Out: Friend or Foe?
10/18/12 09:01 AM Filed in: General Parenting Discipline
By Melissa Benaroya, LICSW & Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW
The use of time outs is a hot and touchy topic! We at GROW Parenting are not afraid to talk about it AND we are committed to helping parents find new and better ways to use time outs in their parenting.
Melissa Benaroya of GROW Parenting was recently interviewed by both ParentMap and Q13 Fox News on this topic. Both news sources sought answers to questions about when, why and how we use time outs in our parenting. We wanted to make sure we got all your questions answered about time outs so that you too can use this intervention more effectively and respectfully.
Imagine this. You are about to leave for work and your partner says, “I cannot believe you left your towel on the floor again! I am so angry and frustrated with you, go sit in your room and think about it until I tell you that you can come out.” What would you be thinking, feeling and deciding about your partner and your relationship?
Let me guess, you would probably laugh. You might think your partner has lost their mind. Alternatively, you might decide your partner is a total jerk, and kidding themselves to think that you would actually go quarantine yourself and “think about it.” Yeah, right!
What about your relationship? Most of us would feel quite disconnected from our partner if they did this. We also might question why we chose a partner who is treating us so disrespectfully. We most definitely would not be starting our day off feeling loved and respected.
What do you think your child is actually thinking about when sitting in a chair in the corner or when sent to their room?
Here’s why we feel so strongly about this topic. When you send your child off to time out as a punishment, they are having the exact same thoughts you would have in this same situation!
They would sit and steam, think angry thoughts about you and themselves, and they might even plot doing it again to show you that you cannot control them. Kids don’t like to be disrespected just as much as adults don’t. The question is, why do we think it is any different for them?
Kids have the same set of emotions and awareness that adults have. They way we treat them should model the way we would like to be treated by them.
Lets look at time outs in sports. Time outs are not used to punish players for misbehavior. We have fouls for those. Time outs are a time to catch our breath. We may have lost focus on the game and need to get our minds back in. We may be having big emotions and need to settle down so we can play our best. Time outs are simply a pause. They are an opportunity to regroup and reconnect within ourselves and with our team. So how on earth did we switch to using them as a punishment that causes our children to feel us withdraw our connection to them.
Now we must bring time outs back to their roots.Time outs are a pause, an opportunity to self soothe and calm down when emotions get high. We can use the idea of time out to work with our kids to calm down, but not by doing it in an angry, threatening, and shameful or disrespectful way. The Positive Discipline approach maintains that we need to start working with kids and stop trying to do to them. The idea that we need to make kids feel worse to get them to do better is just preposterous. Kids (all humans) do better when they feel better.
Here’s another reason to stop using negative time outs. They don’t work. They don’t teach children to do something different next time the situation occurs, and they don’t model healthy ways of dealing with emotions. A large percentage of our coaching clients come to us after having tried time outs. They still feel frustrated with their children. Additionally, many report sadness because it has become such a struggle to even get the child to time out, and helpless because time outs are the one thing they were taught was supposed to work and now they don’t know what to do.
So how can we use time outs in a way that is respectful and gives our children an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience? We can use a Time In or a Positive Time Out. This approach is different because the child is given the opportunity to choose to go elsewhere or stay with you until they have calmed down.
When we send kids away, they experience this as a love withdrawal. What they really need and deserve is to stay connected to you so that you can model, coach and guide them in finding better ways to express emotion or behave. Positive time outs are opportunities to teach children self-control and self-discipline. It is more respectful than sending them away, to their room, or to sit in the corner because we keep children involved in the process by allowing them to find a space that is soothing and calming to them. This kind of time out helps to develop their innate ability to self soothe and take breaks when emotions get strong or when things turn negative. We as parents can facilitate this process by giving our child the space and time to experience and feel what they are feeling, calm down, and then process and problem solve together different ways to handle the current challenging situation or emotion.
Sounds simple? Your right. It's not! It takes a certain level of self-awareness and lots of practice to implement this type of positive time out. However, what we hear from parents that integrate it into their parenting, is that it works and that it feels better to both the parent and the child! And the more you practice it, the more it becomes part of your natural response. Give it a try and let us know what you think!
For even more on Time Outs, watch GROW Parenting Co-founder Melissa Benaroya on Q13 Fox News!
***If you enjoyed this post, show us a little love by voting for GROW Parenting in Red Tricycle's 2012 Totally Awesome Awards!***
The use of time outs is a hot and touchy topic! We at GROW Parenting are not afraid to talk about it AND we are committed to helping parents find new and better ways to use time outs in their parenting.
Melissa Benaroya of GROW Parenting was recently interviewed by both ParentMap and Q13 Fox News on this topic. Both news sources sought answers to questions about when, why and how we use time outs in our parenting. We wanted to make sure we got all your questions answered about time outs so that you too can use this intervention more effectively and respectfully.
Imagine this. You are about to leave for work and your partner says, “I cannot believe you left your towel on the floor again! I am so angry and frustrated with you, go sit in your room and think about it until I tell you that you can come out.” What would you be thinking, feeling and deciding about your partner and your relationship?
Let me guess, you would probably laugh. You might think your partner has lost their mind. Alternatively, you might decide your partner is a total jerk, and kidding themselves to think that you would actually go quarantine yourself and “think about it.” Yeah, right!
What about your relationship? Most of us would feel quite disconnected from our partner if they did this. We also might question why we chose a partner who is treating us so disrespectfully. We most definitely would not be starting our day off feeling loved and respected.
What do you think your child is actually thinking about when sitting in a chair in the corner or when sent to their room?
Here’s why we feel so strongly about this topic. When you send your child off to time out as a punishment, they are having the exact same thoughts you would have in this same situation!
They would sit and steam, think angry thoughts about you and themselves, and they might even plot doing it again to show you that you cannot control them. Kids don’t like to be disrespected just as much as adults don’t. The question is, why do we think it is any different for them?
Kids have the same set of emotions and awareness that adults have. They way we treat them should model the way we would like to be treated by them.
Lets look at time outs in sports. Time outs are not used to punish players for misbehavior. We have fouls for those. Time outs are a time to catch our breath. We may have lost focus on the game and need to get our minds back in. We may be having big emotions and need to settle down so we can play our best. Time outs are simply a pause. They are an opportunity to regroup and reconnect within ourselves and with our team. So how on earth did we switch to using them as a punishment that causes our children to feel us withdraw our connection to them.
Now we must bring time outs back to their roots.Time outs are a pause, an opportunity to self soothe and calm down when emotions get high. We can use the idea of time out to work with our kids to calm down, but not by doing it in an angry, threatening, and shameful or disrespectful way. The Positive Discipline approach maintains that we need to start working with kids and stop trying to do to them. The idea that we need to make kids feel worse to get them to do better is just preposterous. Kids (all humans) do better when they feel better.
Here’s another reason to stop using negative time outs. They don’t work. They don’t teach children to do something different next time the situation occurs, and they don’t model healthy ways of dealing with emotions. A large percentage of our coaching clients come to us after having tried time outs. They still feel frustrated with their children. Additionally, many report sadness because it has become such a struggle to even get the child to time out, and helpless because time outs are the one thing they were taught was supposed to work and now they don’t know what to do.
So how can we use time outs in a way that is respectful and gives our children an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience? We can use a Time In or a Positive Time Out. This approach is different because the child is given the opportunity to choose to go elsewhere or stay with you until they have calmed down.
When we send kids away, they experience this as a love withdrawal. What they really need and deserve is to stay connected to you so that you can model, coach and guide them in finding better ways to express emotion or behave. Positive time outs are opportunities to teach children self-control and self-discipline. It is more respectful than sending them away, to their room, or to sit in the corner because we keep children involved in the process by allowing them to find a space that is soothing and calming to them. This kind of time out helps to develop their innate ability to self soothe and take breaks when emotions get strong or when things turn negative. We as parents can facilitate this process by giving our child the space and time to experience and feel what they are feeling, calm down, and then process and problem solve together different ways to handle the current challenging situation or emotion.
Sounds simple? Your right. It's not! It takes a certain level of self-awareness and lots of practice to implement this type of positive time out. However, what we hear from parents that integrate it into their parenting, is that it works and that it feels better to both the parent and the child! And the more you practice it, the more it becomes part of your natural response. Give it a try and let us know what you think!
For even more on Time Outs, watch GROW Parenting Co-founder Melissa Benaroya on Q13 Fox News!
***If you enjoyed this post, show us a little love by voting for GROW Parenting in Red Tricycle's 2012 Totally Awesome Awards!***
Why We Love PEPS-
Program for Early Parent Support!
By Sarina Behar Natkin
Seattle area families are fortunate to have an amazing parent support program that starts when your baby arrives! Ask parents in the area what they should do to get ready for baby, and many will immediately say, "Call PEPS!"
Here's when the magic starts. PEPS gets you linked up with other parents in your area with babies born around the same time. They provide a volunteer leader for 12 weeks of support and facilitation on the topics that matter most to new parents. You now have somewhere to go, a group of peers in the same place as you, and the opportunity to build lifelong friendships with other families. What more could a sleep deprived, question filled, new parent want? Got an older baby or a second one of the way? PEPS has you covered for that too! If you are expecting or have a baby you can find out all the details here.
What keeps this amazing organization going is the wonderful volunteers who give their time to support new parents. Many have participated in PEPS groups of their own and want to give back to the organization that supported them at such a critical time in their lives. Not all leaders were in a PEPS group. Some have long since raised their own children, and others, believe like we do, that supporting parents is a priceless gift.
These amazing volunteers start giving before your group even starts. All leaders go through a thorough training covering all the basics of facilitating a group. PEPS loves their volunteers so much, they hired GROW Parenting to provide Leading with Confidence: Strategies for Successful Group Facilitation for leaders who want to further develop their skills. We have been providing this training quarterly over the last 18 months and have absolutely loved every minute of it. These committed volunteers work hard, often pushing themselves out of their comfort zone to bring participants the best experience they can.
Three cheers for this amazing organization and all the volunteers working hard to support families! Want some inspiration for becoming a PEPS leader yourself? Watch this video to hear from PEPS leaders and see GROW Parenting's Leading with Confidence training in action.
Seattle area families are fortunate to have an amazing parent support program that starts when your baby arrives! Ask parents in the area what they should do to get ready for baby, and many will immediately say, "Call PEPS!"
Here's when the magic starts. PEPS gets you linked up with other parents in your area with babies born around the same time. They provide a volunteer leader for 12 weeks of support and facilitation on the topics that matter most to new parents. You now have somewhere to go, a group of peers in the same place as you, and the opportunity to build lifelong friendships with other families. What more could a sleep deprived, question filled, new parent want? Got an older baby or a second one of the way? PEPS has you covered for that too! If you are expecting or have a baby you can find out all the details here.
What keeps this amazing organization going is the wonderful volunteers who give their time to support new parents. Many have participated in PEPS groups of their own and want to give back to the organization that supported them at such a critical time in their lives. Not all leaders were in a PEPS group. Some have long since raised their own children, and others, believe like we do, that supporting parents is a priceless gift.
These amazing volunteers start giving before your group even starts. All leaders go through a thorough training covering all the basics of facilitating a group. PEPS loves their volunteers so much, they hired GROW Parenting to provide Leading with Confidence: Strategies for Successful Group Facilitation for leaders who want to further develop their skills. We have been providing this training quarterly over the last 18 months and have absolutely loved every minute of it. These committed volunteers work hard, often pushing themselves out of their comfort zone to bring participants the best experience they can.
Three cheers for this amazing organization and all the volunteers working hard to support families! Want some inspiration for becoming a PEPS leader yourself? Watch this video to hear from PEPS leaders and see GROW Parenting's Leading with Confidence training in action.
Compassion Starts With You:
Five Ways to Model Compassion in Daily Life
09/19/12 07:20 AM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
We just finished our first full week of the school year, and like many families, the transition has not been smooth. No matter how much we stick to routines during the summer, keep early bedtimes, and discuss and plan for the new year, we often find ourselves hanging on for the wild ride that ensues during these early weeks. By Friday night, I felt as if I deserved a medal for just surviving, and flipping my lid just a wee bit less than I might have.
As crazy as our four and seven year old children seemed this week, I kept reminding myself that this was normal. We were all adjusting to our new schedule, new expectations at school, new friends and teachers, and a shift from the more relaxed days of summer. There were many meltdowns and tears, a regression in manners and motivation to do things for themselves, and a whole lot of exhaustion. It makes sense that the week seemed to be one of the hardest we have had in a while. I accepted where my children are at and was able to roll with it because I had compassion for them. What I realized last night in my utterly depleted state was that something important was missing; compassion for myself.
It’s not enough to just be compassionate with my children; if I want them to learn how to be compassionate, I must model it in how I live my life on a daily basis, and I must start by showing myself compassion for getting through a very challenging week. I immediately knew what was needed! Some reflecting on what had gone well this week, some celebrating my ability to stay calm in the face of the roller coaster my children were on, and a little self-nurturing. All of these helped me accept where I was and understand why I was feeling so fried.
These things happen for a reason though. This moment to reflect on compassion gave me an opportunity to think about how important it is to model compassion in action for our kids. Our children are watching us. Every moment they are with us, they are looking to us to see what we do. How do we deal with our emotions? How do we talk to those around us, both our family and strangers?
Volunteering with our children, teaching siblings how to solve problems together in respectful ways, and giving them skills to deal with conflict with friends are just a few of the great ways we can teach compassion. The most important though, is what we do in the small moments when their eyes are watching. Sometimes it’s easier for us to think of the big things than to pay attention to the little things in life. It’s these small moments though, that happen day in and day out that shape our child’s view of self and other.
So what do small moments of compassion look like? Here are 5 tips for keeping compassion alive in day-to-day life with kids:
1) Practice Self Compassion. Remember, we are most effective at teaching that which we do ourselves. If we want our children to have compassion for themselves, we must show them how! You can do this by recognizing that parenting is hard. Some days we don’t deal with things the way we want to. Some days we are exhausted and boxed macaroni and cheese is all we can put together. Sometimes we need to take a break because we are so exasperated that we can’t think straight.
Whatever it is that you are judging yourself for, let it go. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Instead of beating yourself up, remind yourself that you are human. When things have calmed down, let your kiddo know that you too make mistakes. Apologize for any hurts you may have caused, and tell them how you hope to do it different next time. The compassion and hugs you get from your child will likely help heal you as well.
2) Practice Compassion Toward Your Partner. This is a big one. We may be compassionate to our children when they have a hard day, but how often do we do this for our partners? Often we save our best communication skills for our children and let it all go when it comes to our significant others.
Remember those eyes that are watching your every move? Many of us respond compassionately when a child forgets a chore only to berate our partner for forgetting to take out the garbage! Those eyes are then learning that only some people deserve compassion and I know that is not what we are aiming to teach. We all have bad days, we all forget things, and we all deserve compassion. Next time your partner says or does something that frustrates you, pull out the compassion you are able to show to others. Try saying, “You seem really stressed tonight. Can I give you a hug?” Not only will you be modeling compassion to your children, you are likely to have a more pleasant evening as well!
3) Show Compassion Toward Your Child. This is where your child gets to feel compassion in action. Yes, we are parents, we must teach self-discipline, accountability, responsibility, and all the other good stuff we want our children to have. However, we MUST do it in compassionate ways. This means taking a moment to look beyond the behavior in question and show some compassion for the belief behind it.
Here’s an example of what this kind of compassionate discipline looks like. Your child interrupts you when we are on the telephone. Yes, it’s an annoying behavior. Yes, we want them to do something different. If we yell or punish for this behavior, we are only dealing with the actual behavior and our child walks away feeling shamed and blamed. When adults and children feel this way, it hardly inspires us to cooperate or do something better next time. We will get much further when we use compassion to connect with the belief behind the behavior. What if when you got off the phone you said, “It was hard for you to wait while mommy was on the phone. I wonder what you were feeling?” You may get nothing, so you could guess and see what they think. “I imagine you might have felt lonely, and maybe even jealous that someone else was getting mommy’s attention.” My guess is you would get an emphatic “Yes!”
Here comes the compassionate discipline part. “Sometimes I need to make phone calls and I am able to get through them quicker without interruption. What do you think would help you through that time when mommy needs to pay attention to something else?” I actually remember this discussion when my oldest was three. She wanted to have a coloring book set aside that she only used when I was on the phone. We decided together to keep it by the house phone so she would always know where it was. You might be surprised at how well even two and three year olds can come up with solutions. If you haven’t tried it, you will definitely be surprised at how well this kind of discipline works! You now have a child who feels respected, included, and involved in solving the problem. This greatly increases their willingness to do something different next time that situation arises.
4) Practice Compassion In The Car. And in the post office, the grocery store, and anywhere else that may raise our stress levels. Ever let a snide comment slip out in the car at the driver who just cut you off? Ever have your child call you out on it? If it hasn’t happened yet, I am sure it will.
These are the really little moments. The moments we are not even aware that our children are watching. A stranger does something that gets in our way and we comment out loud about it. We call them idiots, wonder what sort of stupid person does that, we snub someone. I got caught on this one day recently as I growled loudly at the person who was driving erratically ahead of me when we were already late to where we were going. My daughter asked me what the driver did that was so bad. I had to stop and think. I said, “You know, I am a little stressed that we are late, and I felt angry that this person was in my way. But, they may be late too, or may be lost.” What followed was that I relaxed! I stepped out of myself and adopted a more compassionate perspective about the driver ahead. Even though what I said to my daughter was about me trying to model compassion after being critical of the other driver, it really did shift my mood. That’s one of the great things about compassion; it makes US feel good when we show compassion to others. Even annoying drivers!
5) Draw Attention to Compassionate Moments. There are good things happening around us all the time. A child offers to share a toy during a play date. A sibling gets an ice pack or tissue for a crying little sister. The person walking behind you picks up the paper you dropped and runs to catch you. These are all small moments, and they happen every day.
When these opportunities come along, pause and reflect on them with your child. Say how kind it was for the person to do what they did. If you were the recipient of the kindness, share how it made you feel. “I am so grateful she noticed I dropped this and brought it to me. It feels nice to know people are looking out for others.” If your child is the recipient of the kindness, ask how they felt. “I notice your brother brought you an ice pack when you fell. How did it feel to have him do something nice for you like that?” If your child was the compassionate one, check in with her too! “You shared your toy with your friend when she wanted to play with it. I know some times it is hard to share and you did it anyway. How did it feel to do that? How do you think your friend felt when you shared?”
These may sound like silly questions, but they are giving your child a chance to reflect on those small moments. These questions are helping your child connect an action with a feeling. All of these moments build up to give your child an understanding of what compassion feels like, both as the giver and receiver, and it goes a long way to helping them practice compassion in daily life.
While not every moment is a teachable moment, and not every day seems rife with examples of compassion, there is a great deal we can do in the small moments to build our child’s empathy, caring and understanding. The most significant way to help your child learn these skills starts with us. We must take the opportunity to model compassion to ourselves, our families, and all those we interact with if we truly want to raise compassionate children.
3 Ways to Conquer Chaos & Ease Your Family Back Into School
By Melissa Benaroya
Transitions can be stressful, and one of the major transitions families face is in the fall when kids head back to school and schedules change. Although parents might feel like no one's chaos could possibly be more chaotic than their own, in reality families face many of the same difficulties when it comes to keeping a schedule on track. Here are three of them, with some simple tips that will return order and efficiency to your family's life.
Getting Everyone Out The Door
One of the biggest challenges the modern family seems to face is getting everyone out the door in the morning. Of course it is physically easy to accomplish, but the biggest complaint we hear from the families we work with is that it is a constant struggle and very stressful for everyone. So what can you do? Simplify! We recommend boiling the morning down into a handful of tasks (approx. 4-8) that your child needs to accomplish to leave for school. We suggest using a morning routine chart that you and your child create together. This chart tends to be much more effective when the child is involved in creating it.
Here are a few simple steps to creating a routine chart WITH your child:
1) Purchase materials: solid board and 3M™ hooks.
2) Have your child create a list of ALL the things they need to do in the morning before they leave.
3) Help them scale it back to 4-8 tasks, based on age/ability.
4) Take a picture of your child doing that task / have them draw it (laminate each if you like – they last longer)
5) Assemble board and place hole in the top of each picture.
6) Let your child order the tasks. Place it somewhere accessible to children, so they can manage it on their own, and it is visible to everyone.
Now that you have a chart to work with, your job is to let the chart do the guiding. You don’t need to keep asking, “Did you make your bed?” “Did you brush your teeth?” “Did you get your jacket out of the closet?” Now your job is to simply point to the chart and ask what is next. The more your child owns the chart and the process, the more success you will see during morning routines. But, don’t expect magic. This is a process and it may take a few weeks before your child uses it independently. But it sure feels better than feeling like the taskmaster who needs to manage each morning event.
Preparing Lunches that Actually Get Consumed!
Every child, school, and family has their own preferences around what gets eaten at lunch each day. We suggest you have a conversation with your child around what the preferences are for all three so that you can create a list together of all the lunchbox options. This will help to create options for the lunchbox that your child will actually eat and will take the pain and guesswork out when preparing lunch for your child each day.
Starting the conversation with what the school’s guidelines are is easy since they generally have restrictions around what cannot be brought to school. Some schools rule out things like nuts and candy. So talking about all the things your child might like that is not allowed will help them to understand and rule them out from the lunch list.
Next, discuss what your family values, and considers essential for a lunchtime meal. Start by asking your child what they think is important to be consumed during each meal. You can then broaden and expand on their thoughts. It can be helpful to discuss the why behind your family choices too. An example of this might sound like, “In our family we feel it is important to eat healthy foods (fruits, vegetables & proteins) to keep our body strong, which will allow you to have the strength and energy to play on the playground during recess. And fruits and vegetables also help us to have energy and stay focused when doing work, like you do in the classroom during reading and math.” Making the connection between the healthy foods and the activities they enjoy will not only create a greater understanding, but also a greater commitment to wanting to eat those healthy foods you packed for them.
Lastly, look at what your child actually enjoys eating. Make a list together or take them to the grocery store and let them point out what they would like to eat in their lunch. If having a vegetable at each meal is something your family values, then one idea might be to take them to the produce department and ask, “What two/three vegetables would you like to see in your lunch this week?” The more they are involved in the choices, the more likely they are to actually eat it in their lunch boxes. The goal of this conversation or shopping trip is that you now have a list to draw from that is acceptable to your child and that makes daily lunch making much less taxing.
Getting Sleep Routines Back On Track
The summer nights (especially in the Pacific Northwest) are lengthened for all of us since the sun stays out so late. And who wants to go to bed when it looks like the afternoon at 9PM? Most of us don’t, including our children. However, staying up until 10PM is not going to make for a school ready child who is prepared to focus and learn at 8:30 AM. So, easing kids back into their sleep routines is essential.
It can be helpful to begin this process a week or a few days before school starts. But, it is never too late. The number of hours of sleep children needs varies, but there are some general guidelines we can follow to make sure they are getting enough rest. Children 3 to 6 years old need between 10 and 12 hours of sleep (If your child naps, those hours are included in this number). Seven to 12 year olds need between 10 to 11 hours of sleep. In addition, 12 to 18 old need only 8 to 10 hours, but they tend to stay up later to socialize and do homework so getting to bed at a reasonable hour is critical for your teen!
Back to school is a great time of the year to pick up those old bedtime routines we let go of or come up with new ones that work for everyone in the family. Routines keep everyone focused and tend to simplify our daily lives. Research has found that the human brain has evolved to feel calmed by repetitive behavior, and that our daily habits and routines are a primary way to manage stress. Why not make this part of the day less stressful for everyone and ensure that everyone is getting the sleep they need to be alert and productive the next day?
Transitions can be stressful, and one of the major transitions families face is in the fall when kids head back to school and schedules change. Although parents might feel like no one's chaos could possibly be more chaotic than their own, in reality families face many of the same difficulties when it comes to keeping a schedule on track. Here are three of them, with some simple tips that will return order and efficiency to your family's life.
Getting Everyone Out The Door
One of the biggest challenges the modern family seems to face is getting everyone out the door in the morning. Of course it is physically easy to accomplish, but the biggest complaint we hear from the families we work with is that it is a constant struggle and very stressful for everyone. So what can you do? Simplify! We recommend boiling the morning down into a handful of tasks (approx. 4-8) that your child needs to accomplish to leave for school. We suggest using a morning routine chart that you and your child create together. This chart tends to be much more effective when the child is involved in creating it.
Here are a few simple steps to creating a routine chart WITH your child:
2) Have your child create a list of ALL the things they need to do in the morning before they leave.
3) Help them scale it back to 4-8 tasks, based on age/ability.
4) Take a picture of your child doing that task / have them draw it (laminate each if you like – they last longer)
5) Assemble board and place hole in the top of each picture.
6) Let your child order the tasks. Place it somewhere accessible to children, so they can manage it on their own, and it is visible to everyone.
Now that you have a chart to work with, your job is to let the chart do the guiding. You don’t need to keep asking, “Did you make your bed?” “Did you brush your teeth?” “Did you get your jacket out of the closet?” Now your job is to simply point to the chart and ask what is next. The more your child owns the chart and the process, the more success you will see during morning routines. But, don’t expect magic. This is a process and it may take a few weeks before your child uses it independently. But it sure feels better than feeling like the taskmaster who needs to manage each morning event.
Preparing Lunches that Actually Get Consumed!
Every child, school, and family has their own preferences around what gets eaten at lunch each day. We suggest you have a conversation with your child around what the preferences are for all three so that you can create a list together of all the lunchbox options. This will help to create options for the lunchbox that your child will actually eat and will take the pain and guesswork out when preparing lunch for your child each day.
Starting the conversation with what the school’s guidelines are is easy since they generally have restrictions around what cannot be brought to school. Some schools rule out things like nuts and candy. So talking about all the things your child might like that is not allowed will help them to understand and rule them out from the lunch list.
Next, discuss what your family values, and considers essential for a lunchtime meal. Start by asking your child what they think is important to be consumed during each meal. You can then broaden and expand on their thoughts. It can be helpful to discuss the why behind your family choices too. An example of this might sound like, “In our family we feel it is important to eat healthy foods (fruits, vegetables & proteins) to keep our body strong, which will allow you to have the strength and energy to play on the playground during recess. And fruits and vegetables also help us to have energy and stay focused when doing work, like you do in the classroom during reading and math.” Making the connection between the healthy foods and the activities they enjoy will not only create a greater understanding, but also a greater commitment to wanting to eat those healthy foods you packed for them.
Lastly, look at what your child actually enjoys eating. Make a list together or take them to the grocery store and let them point out what they would like to eat in their lunch. If having a vegetable at each meal is something your family values, then one idea might be to take them to the produce department and ask, “What two/three vegetables would you like to see in your lunch this week?” The more they are involved in the choices, the more likely they are to actually eat it in their lunch boxes. The goal of this conversation or shopping trip is that you now have a list to draw from that is acceptable to your child and that makes daily lunch making much less taxing.
Getting Sleep Routines Back On Track
The summer nights (especially in the Pacific Northwest) are lengthened for all of us since the sun stays out so late. And who wants to go to bed when it looks like the afternoon at 9PM? Most of us don’t, including our children. However, staying up until 10PM is not going to make for a school ready child who is prepared to focus and learn at 8:30 AM. So, easing kids back into their sleep routines is essential.
It can be helpful to begin this process a week or a few days before school starts. But, it is never too late. The number of hours of sleep children needs varies, but there are some general guidelines we can follow to make sure they are getting enough rest. Children 3 to 6 years old need between 10 and 12 hours of sleep (If your child naps, those hours are included in this number). Seven to 12 year olds need between 10 to 11 hours of sleep. In addition, 12 to 18 old need only 8 to 10 hours, but they tend to stay up later to socialize and do homework so getting to bed at a reasonable hour is critical for your teen!
Back to school is a great time of the year to pick up those old bedtime routines we let go of or come up with new ones that work for everyone in the family. Routines keep everyone focused and tend to simplify our daily lives. Research has found that the human brain has evolved to feel calmed by repetitive behavior, and that our daily habits and routines are a primary way to manage stress. Why not make this part of the day less stressful for everyone and ensure that everyone is getting the sleep they need to be alert and productive the next day?
Saying Sorry
08/18/12 08:09 AM Filed in: Discipline General Parenting
By Sarina Behar Natkin
On occasion, GROW Parenting will answer reader questions on our blog. We choose questions based on the issues we frequently hear about from families we work with. In today’s post, I answer a parent’s question about how to get her child to apologize.
Dear GROW Parenting,
My 6 year old threw a fit at camp last week for a variety of reasons. We have figured it out what caused it. However, during the fit she was VERY rude to her counselor. She refuses to say sorry or write a note or even draw a picture. She is embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. Any thoughts?
Dear Reader,
Great question! My guess is that your daughter is pretty clear that her actions may have been hurtful, the challenge is to find a way for her to repair the situation with her counselor that doesn't leave her feeling even more embarrassed or down on herself.
We all have the need to maintain dignity. When kids or grown ups are at a point where they feel they have to lose dignity by doing what someone else tells them or maintain dignity by resisting, they will resist. This often comes up when we tell them to apologize.
The truth is, deep down we know we want them to apologize because THEY know they need to, not because we tell them to. To get to that place, I would step back and have a conversation. Start with how she was feeling when the meltdown occurred. Really listen, without giving your own opinion. If she is stuck, you could ask questions..."I wonder if you were feeling..."
Then, maybe find a time when you felt a similar way and maybe didn't respond the way you wanted to in the moment. Talk about the day-to-day times that this happens to all of us, the small moments. Maybe a partner or coworker did something you didn't like and you responded in a different way then you meant to. Share how you may have felt bad about yourself and it made it hard to think about how the other person might have been feeling.
Depending on how the conversation is going, either then or the next day, move to how her counselor might have felt during the interaction. Maybe she can find a time when a friend responded in a less than kind way to her? Ask what helped her feel better. Was there anything the other person could have done to help repair the situation? The idea here is to move away from blame and towards empathy, so she can move away from blaming herself and others and toward connecting with her feelings and those of her counselor. Ideally, we want to help children see that we all make mistakes. When we are having big emotions, we don’t always respond from our kindest selves. Making a mistake isn’t wrong. We just need to be mindful of how it impacted those around us and what we can do to make a repair.
Ultimately, the decision to make a repair with her counselor has to come from her. I would end the conversation with your daughter by saying, "I trust your judgment on how you want to handle this with your counselor. I am happy to help if you need anything from me to help you repair the situation." Then I would leave it alone, not another word if possible unless she wants to talk more. The more we put pressure on, the more likely she is going to try and maintain dignity with resisting.
Likely, the counselor has lots of experience with kids and knows we all have bad moments and make mistakes. I know it’s so hard as the adult because we feel the adult pressure to fix the situation. If you want, you could say to the coach when your daughter is not around something like, "I feel bad about what happened last week with my daughter and you. We talked about it and discussed how she was feeling and how you might have been feeling. I know forcing her to apologize would mean it wasn't really coming from her. I let her know that I trust her judgment that she will check in with you when she is ready."
The best thing you can do for your child is to model in day to day life that mistakes are ok, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, just an opportunity to learn from it and repair the situation.
Thanks again for sharing your question with us!
On occasion, GROW Parenting will answer reader questions on our blog. We choose questions based on the issues we frequently hear about from families we work with. In today’s post, I answer a parent’s question about how to get her child to apologize.
Dear GROW Parenting,
My 6 year old threw a fit at camp last week for a variety of reasons. We have figured it out what caused it. However, during the fit she was VERY rude to her counselor. She refuses to say sorry or write a note or even draw a picture. She is embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. Any thoughts?
Dear Reader,
Great question! My guess is that your daughter is pretty clear that her actions may have been hurtful, the challenge is to find a way for her to repair the situation with her counselor that doesn't leave her feeling even more embarrassed or down on herself.
We all have the need to maintain dignity. When kids or grown ups are at a point where they feel they have to lose dignity by doing what someone else tells them or maintain dignity by resisting, they will resist. This often comes up when we tell them to apologize.
The truth is, deep down we know we want them to apologize because THEY know they need to, not because we tell them to. To get to that place, I would step back and have a conversation. Start with how she was feeling when the meltdown occurred. Really listen, without giving your own opinion. If she is stuck, you could ask questions..."I wonder if you were feeling..."
Then, maybe find a time when you felt a similar way and maybe didn't respond the way you wanted to in the moment. Talk about the day-to-day times that this happens to all of us, the small moments. Maybe a partner or coworker did something you didn't like and you responded in a different way then you meant to. Share how you may have felt bad about yourself and it made it hard to think about how the other person might have been feeling.
Depending on how the conversation is going, either then or the next day, move to how her counselor might have felt during the interaction. Maybe she can find a time when a friend responded in a less than kind way to her? Ask what helped her feel better. Was there anything the other person could have done to help repair the situation? The idea here is to move away from blame and towards empathy, so she can move away from blaming herself and others and toward connecting with her feelings and those of her counselor. Ideally, we want to help children see that we all make mistakes. When we are having big emotions, we don’t always respond from our kindest selves. Making a mistake isn’t wrong. We just need to be mindful of how it impacted those around us and what we can do to make a repair.
Ultimately, the decision to make a repair with her counselor has to come from her. I would end the conversation with your daughter by saying, "I trust your judgment on how you want to handle this with your counselor. I am happy to help if you need anything from me to help you repair the situation." Then I would leave it alone, not another word if possible unless she wants to talk more. The more we put pressure on, the more likely she is going to try and maintain dignity with resisting.
Likely, the counselor has lots of experience with kids and knows we all have bad moments and make mistakes. I know it’s so hard as the adult because we feel the adult pressure to fix the situation. If you want, you could say to the coach when your daughter is not around something like, "I feel bad about what happened last week with my daughter and you. We talked about it and discussed how she was feeling and how you might have been feeling. I know forcing her to apologize would mean it wasn't really coming from her. I let her know that I trust her judgment that she will check in with you when she is ready."
The best thing you can do for your child is to model in day to day life that mistakes are ok, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, just an opportunity to learn from it and repair the situation.
Thanks again for sharing your question with us!
When A Parent Is Diagnosed With An Illness
07/31/12 09:00 AM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Melissa Benaroya
Being the parent of a 5- and 7-year-old, I am shocked at the number of families we know that have a parent with a life-threatening illness. When I was growing up, I don’t remember hearing of friends or classmates who had to handle these types of family challenges or stresses.
This year alone, at my children’s school, three mothers in one grade level received breast cancer diagnoses. I know this is not a statistic per se, but the sheer fact that it is now so “common” is harrowing. One of the most frequent questions I get when a diagnosis has been made is, “What can I do as a parent to help and support my child now that my partner is sick?”
There is no simple answer to this question, but there are things you can do to help support your child to stay healthy, secure, and grounded. And no matter what you do or say, you will have to plan for the unexpected. Sometimes there needs to be a plan A, B, C and D! Maintaining routines, asking for help, and honest communication are just three strategies for sustaining a family dealing with a serious or life-threatening illness.
Maintain Routines and Schedules. Initially after a diagnosis is made, some form of chaos usually follows. This can be part of the process — disruptions in the family schedule are inevitable. However, it can be extremely helpful for children to return to routines that include sleep schedules, meal times, and activities because it reestablishes that sense of stability and security.
You can start by writing out a daily schedule for young children or a weekly calendar for older children. Having a schedule written out will also help those supporting you during this time, such as friends, family and paid childcare providers, to maintain routines when you cannot be the one to carry them out.
In creating your list or calendar, think beyond the places your children need to be and also include some of the rituals you maintain in your family such as Shabbat dinners, movie nights, or yearly trips. Be sure to include these when thinking about your schedules as well, because they help to create a feeling of normalcy.
Ask For Help. We live in a culture that values independence and self-sufficiency, even if it becomes detrimental to our wellbeing. Because of these cultural values, it may be even more challenging for us to turn to friends, co-workers, school personnel, or even acquaintances to help in managing our children’s lives.
The reality is you probably will not have the time and energy to manage and control the minutiae of your child’s day. Those around you really do want to contribute and show their love for you and your family. Sometimes it requires a re-framing or shifting of the lens to see that by allowing others to help and give, you can be giving a gift, too. The joy you provide others in receiving is equally as valuable as the help they are offering. Additionally, by asking or accepting help, you are modeling this behavior for your children, which communicates to them that they don’t have to manage their thoughts and feelings all on their own.
Be honest and keep communication open. Talking about the illness and sharing some of the basic facts are very important when communicating with children. There is nothing worse or more anxiety provoking for children than to learn about the truth of their parent’s illness by overhearing it indirectly or from someone else.
If there is uncertainty or lack of a clear path to treatment or outcomes, it may be helpful to slowly introduce the illness by discussing the first steps that will be taken, such as “Daddy is going in for an important surgery.” In addition, unless the outcome is clearly grim, it is important to convey a confidence in the process — to even begin treatment one needs to mobilize all the confidence he can.
Finding the right time to talk with your child would be the first step. Being mindful of when your child is most open to this type of dialogue can be helpful. For young children, bedtime can be one of these moments, while talking in the car or during activities might be more comfortable for older children. The key is to be honest about the facts and your feelings.
Even though it may feel counterintuitive, it can be helpful to show your own emotions. Doing so will help validate some of your children’s own feelings. You can reassure them that you are there to support them and understand their experiences and emotions.
There is no right or wrong way to handle these tough moments in our family lives. Every family and every child has different needs. These three suggestions can be a starting point in helping to preserve a sense of well being in your home. Just as all practices in parenting, there is absolutely no “right way.” There is no place for guilt, either — guilt does not benefit you or your children. The key is to stay connected and communicate, maintain normalcy through rituals and routines, and accept the love your family and community wish to show you.
This year alone, at my children’s school, three mothers in one grade level received breast cancer diagnoses. I know this is not a statistic per se, but the sheer fact that it is now so “common” is harrowing. One of the most frequent questions I get when a diagnosis has been made is, “What can I do as a parent to help and support my child now that my partner is sick?”
There is no simple answer to this question, but there are things you can do to help support your child to stay healthy, secure, and grounded. And no matter what you do or say, you will have to plan for the unexpected. Sometimes there needs to be a plan A, B, C and D! Maintaining routines, asking for help, and honest communication are just three strategies for sustaining a family dealing with a serious or life-threatening illness.
Maintain Routines and Schedules. Initially after a diagnosis is made, some form of chaos usually follows. This can be part of the process — disruptions in the family schedule are inevitable. However, it can be extremely helpful for children to return to routines that include sleep schedules, meal times, and activities because it reestablishes that sense of stability and security.
You can start by writing out a daily schedule for young children or a weekly calendar for older children. Having a schedule written out will also help those supporting you during this time, such as friends, family and paid childcare providers, to maintain routines when you cannot be the one to carry them out.
In creating your list or calendar, think beyond the places your children need to be and also include some of the rituals you maintain in your family such as Shabbat dinners, movie nights, or yearly trips. Be sure to include these when thinking about your schedules as well, because they help to create a feeling of normalcy.
Ask For Help. We live in a culture that values independence and self-sufficiency, even if it becomes detrimental to our wellbeing. Because of these cultural values, it may be even more challenging for us to turn to friends, co-workers, school personnel, or even acquaintances to help in managing our children’s lives.
The reality is you probably will not have the time and energy to manage and control the minutiae of your child’s day. Those around you really do want to contribute and show their love for you and your family. Sometimes it requires a re-framing or shifting of the lens to see that by allowing others to help and give, you can be giving a gift, too. The joy you provide others in receiving is equally as valuable as the help they are offering. Additionally, by asking or accepting help, you are modeling this behavior for your children, which communicates to them that they don’t have to manage their thoughts and feelings all on their own.
Be honest and keep communication open. Talking about the illness and sharing some of the basic facts are very important when communicating with children. There is nothing worse or more anxiety provoking for children than to learn about the truth of their parent’s illness by overhearing it indirectly or from someone else.
If there is uncertainty or lack of a clear path to treatment or outcomes, it may be helpful to slowly introduce the illness by discussing the first steps that will be taken, such as “Daddy is going in for an important surgery.” In addition, unless the outcome is clearly grim, it is important to convey a confidence in the process — to even begin treatment one needs to mobilize all the confidence he can.
Finding the right time to talk with your child would be the first step. Being mindful of when your child is most open to this type of dialogue can be helpful. For young children, bedtime can be one of these moments, while talking in the car or during activities might be more comfortable for older children. The key is to be honest about the facts and your feelings.
Even though it may feel counterintuitive, it can be helpful to show your own emotions. Doing so will help validate some of your children’s own feelings. You can reassure them that you are there to support them and understand their experiences and emotions.
There is no right or wrong way to handle these tough moments in our family lives. Every family and every child has different needs. These three suggestions can be a starting point in helping to preserve a sense of well being in your home. Just as all practices in parenting, there is absolutely no “right way.” There is no place for guilt, either — guilt does not benefit you or your children. The key is to stay connected and communicate, maintain normalcy through rituals and routines, and accept the love your family and community wish to show you.
Working Moms and Maternity Leave
Check out GROW Parenting's co-founder, Melissa Benaroya on Q13 Evening News discussing working moms and maternity leave!
Watch Video Here
Watch Video Here
How Old Do Your Children Have To Be To Stay Home Alone?
07/12/12 09:58 AM Filed in: General Parenting Videos
GROW Parenting was recently featured on Q13 Evening News. Watch for great tips from Melissa Benaroya on when your children may be ready to stay home alone.
Big Sister/Brother Boot Camp: 10 Tips To Prepare Your Child For A New Sibling
06/18/12 01:03 PM Filed in: General Parenting
By Sarina Behar Natkin
Is baby number two, three or four on the way? While this is exciting news, many parents wonder how their existing child or children will adjust to the changes ahead. With some thought and planning, we can ease this transition for the whole family. Here are ten tips for helping your current kiddos get ready for their starring role as big brother or sister.
1) Tell them! Often parents are delighted to find out they are expecting again, but worry about telling their existing children too soon.
Children are smart, even toddlers! If something is happening in your home, they will pick up on it. If they don’t know what it is, they are likely to feel anxious. Of course they won’t tell you that in so many words, they will just cling to you like glue, their sleep may be disrupted or they may try to get attention in all sorts of challenging ways.
At this point, parents may say to themselves, “Wow, something is going on with little Johnnie, we better wait until he is out of this funk before we give him the news.” Wrong. Tell little Johnnie. If nine months is barely enough time for us grown ups to adjust to the idea of a new baby, lets not short change our kids. Believe that no matter what comes their way, your child is resilient. Your child is and will be fine because you are guiding and modeling how to take care your emotions.
2) Get a book. There are some wonderful children’s books available that explain what’s going on during pregnancy and others that share what it means to be a big brother or sister. Kids want to know the logistics. These books can help guide your discussions about the upcoming changes in your home. These are my favorites!
When You Were Inside Mommy, by Joanna Cole
Baby on the Way, by Martha Sears, William Sears, Christie Watts Kelly
I’m a Big Sister, by Joanna Cole
I’m a Big Brother, by Joanna Cole
What Baby Needs, by Martha Sears, William Sears, Christie Watts Kelly
3) Involve your child in getting ready for baby. My older daughter helped me put wall decals up in what was to be the new baby’s room. She was very proud of helping and made it feel like it was her baby too. Any activities your child can do with you to prepare for baby’s arrival help create a feeling that she is a part of the process. When included, your child is more likely to feel the changes are happening "with" her as opposed to happening "to" her.
4) Keep your routine. As with any new adjustments our children must make, keeping the rest of their routines intact will help a great deal. Stick to nap times, bedtimes, and regular activities if at all possible.
Avoid making any other big changes in your child’s world in the months surrounding baby’s arrival. This is not a great time to potty train, or to expect any big routine or behavior changes. If you are hoping to transition your older one to a big kid bed or new room, I advise doing that before the last month or two of pregnancy. Sometimes changes during this time are necessary, and your child will adapt, but it is easier on them if we can keep as much stable as possible.
5) Pick out a baby gift. It can be fun to take the big sibling shopping for a gift for the new baby, and have the new baby get her a gift too! This gives a little bonding from the start and helps cement the idea that there really is a live baby joining the home soon. Homemade gifts are wonderful as well.
6) Expect an adjustment period. Remember, the arrival of a new baby is an adjustment for all of you. Sometimes we see a little regression in our older child. They may revert back to earlier behaviors, regress in terms of potty training, have disrupted sleep or misbehave. It’s a great time to cut the whole family some slack. Your older child is just feeling a little displaced and is exploring other ways to claim their space. If we focus on it, they get the message that their tactics are working. Showing empathy and compassion is a much quicker way to get your child back on track than engaging in a power struggle over these regressions.
7) Make time for your older child. After baby arrives, make sure you have some regular special time planned with your older child that he or she can count on each day. Even if its just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time alone with you, this will help him or her continue to feel connected.
8) Give them a baby of their own. Some kids enjoy having a baby doll of their own to care for. They like having diapers for their baby and can change theirs when the new baby needs a change. They make some fun baby doll carriers so he or she can mimic you and where their baby as well. Please don’t panic if your son or daughter imitates nursing. This is absolutely normal and just their chance to explore what they see happening around them.
9) This time is different. Remind yourself early and often that life will never be identical for your second or subsequent children to how it is with your first. It just doesn't work that way. It feels like we are not giving the second as much as we gave the first, but they have the added benefit of an experienced, more relaxed parent and a sibling who is more than making up for any less attention the second child is getting from you. We can drive ourselves nuts thinking I did this for #1 so I must do it the same way for #2. They are different people and will have their own individual differing needs and experiences, and that just fine.
10) Remember to get support. I often see parents of second children jumping back in to the normal routine so quickly that they barely get to acknowledge the big changes that are happening in their lives.
No, we don’t panic in the same way when we notice a tiny rash on our newborn. That’s the nice part of the second and subsequent times around. Keep in mind parenting two, is different than parenting one. I remember living in fear the first time I had to get two little ones out the door by myself. The new stuff is still new, the hormone changes as your body recovers from pregnancy and childbirth are still happening, and most of us don’t receive the same kind of doting and care taking that we may have received after the birth of our first.
Whatever your feelings, birth experience or adjustment to a second or subsequent child is like, remember we must take care of ourselves first if we really want to care for our children. Just because you didn’t need a postpartum doula or lactation support the first time, doesn’t mean you won’t the second time. Let go of the self-talk that tells us we should have it all under control with no questions this time around.
Our children are resilient, they will adjust to life with a new baby, and so will you. Just be sure to get the support you need so you can support your older child through the transition.
Being mindful of how to prepare your child for a new sibling can help ease the transition for the whole family. Then comes the most amazing part, watching the sibling relationship grow!
Is baby number two, three or four on the way? While this is exciting news, many parents wonder how their existing child or children will adjust to the changes ahead. With some thought and planning, we can ease this transition for the whole family. Here are ten tips for helping your current kiddos get ready for their starring role as big brother or sister.
1) Tell them! Often parents are delighted to find out they are expecting again, but worry about telling their existing children too soon.
Children are smart, even toddlers! If something is happening in your home, they will pick up on it. If they don’t know what it is, they are likely to feel anxious. Of course they won’t tell you that in so many words, they will just cling to you like glue, their sleep may be disrupted or they may try to get attention in all sorts of challenging ways.
At this point, parents may say to themselves, “Wow, something is going on with little Johnnie, we better wait until he is out of this funk before we give him the news.” Wrong. Tell little Johnnie. If nine months is barely enough time for us grown ups to adjust to the idea of a new baby, lets not short change our kids. Believe that no matter what comes their way, your child is resilient. Your child is and will be fine because you are guiding and modeling how to take care your emotions.
2) Get a book. There are some wonderful children’s books available that explain what’s going on during pregnancy and others that share what it means to be a big brother or sister. Kids want to know the logistics. These books can help guide your discussions about the upcoming changes in your home. These are my favorites!
When You Were Inside Mommy, by Joanna Cole
Baby on the Way, by Martha Sears, William Sears, Christie Watts Kelly
I’m a Big Sister, by Joanna Cole
I’m a Big Brother, by Joanna Cole
What Baby Needs, by Martha Sears, William Sears, Christie Watts Kelly
3) Involve your child in getting ready for baby. My older daughter helped me put wall decals up in what was to be the new baby’s room. She was very proud of helping and made it feel like it was her baby too. Any activities your child can do with you to prepare for baby’s arrival help create a feeling that she is a part of the process. When included, your child is more likely to feel the changes are happening "with" her as opposed to happening "to" her.
4) Keep your routine. As with any new adjustments our children must make, keeping the rest of their routines intact will help a great deal. Stick to nap times, bedtimes, and regular activities if at all possible.
Avoid making any other big changes in your child’s world in the months surrounding baby’s arrival. This is not a great time to potty train, or to expect any big routine or behavior changes. If you are hoping to transition your older one to a big kid bed or new room, I advise doing that before the last month or two of pregnancy. Sometimes changes during this time are necessary, and your child will adapt, but it is easier on them if we can keep as much stable as possible.
5) Pick out a baby gift. It can be fun to take the big sibling shopping for a gift for the new baby, and have the new baby get her a gift too! This gives a little bonding from the start and helps cement the idea that there really is a live baby joining the home soon. Homemade gifts are wonderful as well.
6) Expect an adjustment period. Remember, the arrival of a new baby is an adjustment for all of you. Sometimes we see a little regression in our older child. They may revert back to earlier behaviors, regress in terms of potty training, have disrupted sleep or misbehave. It’s a great time to cut the whole family some slack. Your older child is just feeling a little displaced and is exploring other ways to claim their space. If we focus on it, they get the message that their tactics are working. Showing empathy and compassion is a much quicker way to get your child back on track than engaging in a power struggle over these regressions.
7) Make time for your older child. After baby arrives, make sure you have some regular special time planned with your older child that he or she can count on each day. Even if its just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time alone with you, this will help him or her continue to feel connected.
8) Give them a baby of their own. Some kids enjoy having a baby doll of their own to care for. They like having diapers for their baby and can change theirs when the new baby needs a change. They make some fun baby doll carriers so he or she can mimic you and where their baby as well. Please don’t panic if your son or daughter imitates nursing. This is absolutely normal and just their chance to explore what they see happening around them.
9) This time is different. Remind yourself early and often that life will never be identical for your second or subsequent children to how it is with your first. It just doesn't work that way. It feels like we are not giving the second as much as we gave the first, but they have the added benefit of an experienced, more relaxed parent and a sibling who is more than making up for any less attention the second child is getting from you. We can drive ourselves nuts thinking I did this for #1 so I must do it the same way for #2. They are different people and will have their own individual differing needs and experiences, and that just fine.
10) Remember to get support. I often see parents of second children jumping back in to the normal routine so quickly that they barely get to acknowledge the big changes that are happening in their lives.
No, we don’t panic in the same way when we notice a tiny rash on our newborn. That’s the nice part of the second and subsequent times around. Keep in mind parenting two, is different than parenting one. I remember living in fear the first time I had to get two little ones out the door by myself. The new stuff is still new, the hormone changes as your body recovers from pregnancy and childbirth are still happening, and most of us don’t receive the same kind of doting and care taking that we may have received after the birth of our first.
Whatever your feelings, birth experience or adjustment to a second or subsequent child is like, remember we must take care of ourselves first if we really want to care for our children. Just because you didn’t need a postpartum doula or lactation support the first time, doesn’t mean you won’t the second time. Let go of the self-talk that tells us we should have it all under control with no questions this time around.
Our children are resilient, they will adjust to life with a new baby, and so will you. Just be sure to get the support you need so you can support your older child through the transition.
Being mindful of how to prepare your child for a new sibling can help ease the transition for the whole family. Then comes the most amazing part, watching the sibling relationship grow!
Maintaining Sleep Schedules in the Summer: More Rest = More Fun!
06/05/12 09:00 AM Filed in: General Parenting Sleep
By Melissa Benaroya
Even though the sun is out later during the summer months, long past bed times, it is important to maintain your sleep routines and schedules. You will have more fun with your child during the day if evening rituals and bedtimes are kept sacred.
Research has found that inconsistent bedtimes are equivalent to the effects of jet lag, and that staying up 3 hours late one night is equivalent to flying over 3 time zones. I find that families of young children are most successful when they have realistic expectations.
Most preschoolers are morning people, which can be challenging if you are a late night person. To expect your child to sleep past 6:30 AM is usually unrealistic. Some children naturally wake up between 5:30-6:30 AM. Here are a couple of suggestions to help keep a regular sleep schedule:
Make changes only when needed. Children 1-3 years old will sleep between 11-13 hours a day, with 9.5-10.5 hours at night. If your child is going to bed before 7-7:30 PM you might want to move the bedtime a bit later. You might also have to wean the naps by eliminating one if there are multiple naps or cutting naps shorter to allow children to sleep longer throughout the night. Being consistent with your plan is key. If you are making changes it may take a couple of weeks before you see results.
Create an environment that is cool, dark, and quiet. Black out shades can sometimes be worth the investment. Some children can be very sensitive to light. White noise machines can actually be disruptive to sleep cycles. The circadian rhythm system that helps regulate sleep cycles is not just light sensitive; it’s temperature sensitive too! The darker, cooler and quieter the environment, the better quality sleep your child will get.
Eliminate Disruptive Sleep Behaviors. If your child wakes up quite early, and then seems tired and cranky in the morning, it may be because of habits or behaviors that continue to disrupt sleep. This is most common with children who are brought into their parent's bed in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning. After a few of these occurrences, they start to wake up early on a regular basis because it has been positively reinforced by warm cuddles or conversations with mom and/or dad. If you are not co-sleeping, it is important to set limits on when children can come and visit with you in your bed.
If you are consistent with routines and bedtimes many of the issues will resolve with time. If you are having difficulties, support is available. Consider speaking with your pediatrician or a local parent coach who can assist you in creating a plan that works for your family.
Research has found that inconsistent bedtimes are equivalent to the effects of jet lag, and that staying up 3 hours late one night is equivalent to flying over 3 time zones. I find that families of young children are most successful when they have realistic expectations.
Most preschoolers are morning people, which can be challenging if you are a late night person. To expect your child to sleep past 6:30 AM is usually unrealistic. Some children naturally wake up between 5:30-6:30 AM. Here are a couple of suggestions to help keep a regular sleep schedule:
Make changes only when needed. Children 1-3 years old will sleep between 11-13 hours a day, with 9.5-10.5 hours at night. If your child is going to bed before 7-7:30 PM you might want to move the bedtime a bit later. You might also have to wean the naps by eliminating one if there are multiple naps or cutting naps shorter to allow children to sleep longer throughout the night. Being consistent with your plan is key. If you are making changes it may take a couple of weeks before you see results.
Create an environment that is cool, dark, and quiet. Black out shades can sometimes be worth the investment. Some children can be very sensitive to light. White noise machines can actually be disruptive to sleep cycles. The circadian rhythm system that helps regulate sleep cycles is not just light sensitive; it’s temperature sensitive too! The darker, cooler and quieter the environment, the better quality sleep your child will get.
Eliminate Disruptive Sleep Behaviors. If your child wakes up quite early, and then seems tired and cranky in the morning, it may be because of habits or behaviors that continue to disrupt sleep. This is most common with children who are brought into their parent's bed in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning. After a few of these occurrences, they start to wake up early on a regular basis because it has been positively reinforced by warm cuddles or conversations with mom and/or dad. If you are not co-sleeping, it is important to set limits on when children can come and visit with you in your bed.
If you are consistent with routines and bedtimes many of the issues will resolve with time. If you are having difficulties, support is available. Consider speaking with your pediatrician or a local parent coach who can assist you in creating a plan that works for your family.
Help! My Preschooler is Hitting!
05/15/12 10:23 AM Filed in: Discipline General Parenting
By Sarina Behar Natkin
On occasion, GROW Parenting will answer reader questions on our blog. We choose questions based on the issues we frequently hear about from families we work with. In today’s post, I answer a parent’s question regarding preschoolers and hitting.
Reader Question
We have been struggling for some time with our three year old hitting and kicking others. It is happening both and school and at home. He has an older brother who is six, and is generally a happy, easygoing child. He is very articulate and can express himself quite well, so this behavior is surprising to us.
It's particularly upsetting for us because he acts so happy and smiles when he hits, so it seems kind of deviant; yet my head tells me he's just looking for attention or testing for safety. We know it’s not going to help the situation to think of him as hitter. Instead, we want to understand the need, from his perspective, to hit, push, or kick others. We would love some ideas for how to deal with this issue.
Answer
I am so glad you asked this question! Aggression is one of those parenting challenges that tends to get us very worked up, yet most parents of toddlers and preschoolers deal with it at some point. We know they are normal behaviors and that they will pass, but somehow they speak to that inner critic in us. Why is my kid doing this? What will other parents think?
It can be quite challenging for parents to sit back and try to learn from it, instead of just reacting. It’s clear from your question that you are working to understand your son’s behavior, and I want to acknowledge your ability to do that. It takes patience and kindness.
You mention that your son is articulate and communicates well, so while he may be being aggressive for a reason, my gut feeling is that it is not from frustration with being unable to express himself. In addition, if he is not particularly angry when he is hitting and kicking, he may just be bored at that moment and has found a great way to get a lot of attention.
One thing I think will be important for your son, particularly because he is acting happy while hitting and kicking, is drawing his attention to how the other child is feeling. I have found that younger siblings often want to play with their older sibling but are not great at initiating it, so they use aggression because it gets their big bro or sis engaged quickly. If that is the case, I would have lots of talks about ways he can invite his big brother to play with him.
It may also be helpful to spend a few days paying close attention to when it happens. What is the setting? What happens beforehand? What happens after? Time of day, before or after meals, how much sleep he has had? See if you might be able to find any clues as to what he is looking for. Put your scientist hat on and see if you can break the code.
Teaching him ways to handle his emotions is key. Talk to him about what he CAN do when he feels angry- "it’s not ok to hit people but it is ok to do x." Share with him what you do when you are mad, sad, or want attention and help him figure out what will work for him.
Here are some steps you might try when the hitting and kicking occurs:
1) Get down on his level, look him in the eyes and say "it’s not ok to hit or kick because it hurts other people." Try to keep your tone in that kind and firm place. Not yelling, not a lot of emotions, just the facts. I wouldn't say anything else to him before checking in with the other person. He needs a respectful but firm reminder, but a big response, a long conversation, or a lot of emotion from you may be exactly what he is looking for.
2) Then I would draw his attention to the other person- "How do you think your brother might feeling right now?" If he doesn't answer, ask the other child. If the other child is not able to answer, you can describe what you notice.
Another helpful strategy is to have a conversation with him when he is calm and you two are playing. Say something like "I notice you have been using your body in a way that might hurt other people. It’s ok to be mad, to want some attention, or want someone to play with, but hitting and kicking hurt people, so let’s talk about other things could you do when you are feeling mad, left out, etc." Then you get to come up with a plan for what he might do at those times, and equally important, what you will do. We cannot control anyone else’s behavior, but we can set kind and firm boundaries and let our kids know what we will do.
For example, if you were to decide that if he continued to hit or kick, you guys would need to leave the situation, it would be important to discuss that at a calm time. Let him know that if you are out and about and he does that, you guys will need to leave where you are because you can't let other people get hurt. Next, check for his understanding. Ask him what will happen if he kicks or hits other people when you are out. Before going to social outings, you can ask him what he needs to do to keep himself and his friends safe. Ask him if he remembers what you will do if hitting or kicking occur.
When it happens, you have to then follow through in a calm way. When we can keep our own emotions in check and respond in a kind and firm way, we are most effective. You could say, "Ok, we are not being safe with our bodies so we need to leave now." He will of course be livid, so it will be really important to work on keeping yourself calm. Avoid the urge to lecture, yell, or engage in a power struggle because this only reinforces that his kicking and hitting get a big response and a ton of attention from his parents.
Follow through is a very important part of helping kids find a different way, so it’s critical to think through how you plan to respond, at a calm time. We want to model keeping our word, so only commit to what you know you can execute in a respectful way. We won’t be perfect every time and neither will our kids. If we do make a mistake, it’s just an opportunity to model how we want our children to recover from mistakes. If we say we will do something but don't follow through, our children will just keep testing every time. After a few times of responding in a calm, decisive manner, children often let go of the behavior because it’s not giving them the power they were getting from the situation in the past.
In addition, I would make sure he is getting plenty of time with you and your co-parent. It doesn't take much. If children get 20-30 minutes of child-directed, uninterrupted play time with parents, it can make all the difference. If he stops getting attention for hitting and kicking, you will need to make up for it in other ways, so give lots of encouragement at the times he is asking for attention in positive ways.
I hope these tips will give you and your family some effective tools to move your son from using his body to using his words. This is a developmental process, and the more he feels your clarity on the situation and your empathy for his feelings, the more he will be willing to use more productive ways of communicating.
On occasion, GROW Parenting will answer reader questions on our blog. We choose questions based on the issues we frequently hear about from families we work with. In today’s post, I answer a parent’s question regarding preschoolers and hitting.
Reader Question
We have been struggling for some time with our three year old hitting and kicking others. It is happening both and school and at home. He has an older brother who is six, and is generally a happy, easygoing child. He is very articulate and can express himself quite well, so this behavior is surprising to us.
It's particularly upsetting for us because he acts so happy and smiles when he hits, so it seems kind of deviant; yet my head tells me he's just looking for attention or testing for safety. We know it’s not going to help the situation to think of him as hitter. Instead, we want to understand the need, from his perspective, to hit, push, or kick others. We would love some ideas for how to deal with this issue.
Answer
I am so glad you asked this question! Aggression is one of those parenting challenges that tends to get us very worked up, yet most parents of toddlers and preschoolers deal with it at some point. We know they are normal behaviors and that they will pass, but somehow they speak to that inner critic in us. Why is my kid doing this? What will other parents think?
It can be quite challenging for parents to sit back and try to learn from it, instead of just reacting. It’s clear from your question that you are working to understand your son’s behavior, and I want to acknowledge your ability to do that. It takes patience and kindness.
You mention that your son is articulate and communicates well, so while he may be being aggressive for a reason, my gut feeling is that it is not from frustration with being unable to express himself. In addition, if he is not particularly angry when he is hitting and kicking, he may just be bored at that moment and has found a great way to get a lot of attention.
One thing I think will be important for your son, particularly because he is acting happy while hitting and kicking, is drawing his attention to how the other child is feeling. I have found that younger siblings often want to play with their older sibling but are not great at initiating it, so they use aggression because it gets their big bro or sis engaged quickly. If that is the case, I would have lots of talks about ways he can invite his big brother to play with him.
It may also be helpful to spend a few days paying close attention to when it happens. What is the setting? What happens beforehand? What happens after? Time of day, before or after meals, how much sleep he has had? See if you might be able to find any clues as to what he is looking for. Put your scientist hat on and see if you can break the code.
Teaching him ways to handle his emotions is key. Talk to him about what he CAN do when he feels angry- "it’s not ok to hit people but it is ok to do x." Share with him what you do when you are mad, sad, or want attention and help him figure out what will work for him.
Here are some steps you might try when the hitting and kicking occurs:
1) Get down on his level, look him in the eyes and say "it’s not ok to hit or kick because it hurts other people." Try to keep your tone in that kind and firm place. Not yelling, not a lot of emotions, just the facts. I wouldn't say anything else to him before checking in with the other person. He needs a respectful but firm reminder, but a big response, a long conversation, or a lot of emotion from you may be exactly what he is looking for.
2) Then I would draw his attention to the other person- "How do you think your brother might feeling right now?" If he doesn't answer, ask the other child. If the other child is not able to answer, you can describe what you notice.
Another helpful strategy is to have a conversation with him when he is calm and you two are playing. Say something like "I notice you have been using your body in a way that might hurt other people. It’s ok to be mad, to want some attention, or want someone to play with, but hitting and kicking hurt people, so let’s talk about other things could you do when you are feeling mad, left out, etc." Then you get to come up with a plan for what he might do at those times, and equally important, what you will do. We cannot control anyone else’s behavior, but we can set kind and firm boundaries and let our kids know what we will do.
For example, if you were to decide that if he continued to hit or kick, you guys would need to leave the situation, it would be important to discuss that at a calm time. Let him know that if you are out and about and he does that, you guys will need to leave where you are because you can't let other people get hurt. Next, check for his understanding. Ask him what will happen if he kicks or hits other people when you are out. Before going to social outings, you can ask him what he needs to do to keep himself and his friends safe. Ask him if he remembers what you will do if hitting or kicking occur.
When it happens, you have to then follow through in a calm way. When we can keep our own emotions in check and respond in a kind and firm way, we are most effective. You could say, "Ok, we are not being safe with our bodies so we need to leave now." He will of course be livid, so it will be really important to work on keeping yourself calm. Avoid the urge to lecture, yell, or engage in a power struggle because this only reinforces that his kicking and hitting get a big response and a ton of attention from his parents.
Follow through is a very important part of helping kids find a different way, so it’s critical to think through how you plan to respond, at a calm time. We want to model keeping our word, so only commit to what you know you can execute in a respectful way. We won’t be perfect every time and neither will our kids. If we do make a mistake, it’s just an opportunity to model how we want our children to recover from mistakes. If we say we will do something but don't follow through, our children will just keep testing every time. After a few times of responding in a calm, decisive manner, children often let go of the behavior because it’s not giving them the power they were getting from the situation in the past.
In addition, I would make sure he is getting plenty of time with you and your co-parent. It doesn't take much. If children get 20-30 minutes of child-directed, uninterrupted play time with parents, it can make all the difference. If he stops getting attention for hitting and kicking, you will need to make up for it in other ways, so give lots of encouragement at the times he is asking for attention in positive ways.
I hope these tips will give you and your family some effective tools to move your son from using his body to using his words. This is a developmental process, and the more he feels your clarity on the situation and your empathy for his feelings, the more he will be willing to use more productive ways of communicating.
Caring for mom FIRST: A Truly Unselfish Act!
04/30/12 07:48 AM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Melissa Benaroya
On the airplane, we are instructed to put our oxygen mask on before we assist our child with their mask. The same is true in our daily lives. If you are not taken care of, you cannot fully care for the people in your life. Self care is not only a gift to yourself, but more importantly a gift to everyone in your life. You cannot show up as your best self as a parent, partner, employee, daughter, or sister without being fully fueled and cared for.
When you first became a parent, you immediately put your focus on the needs of your child. Your infant needed your attention in order to survive. However, if even your basic needs are neglected, neither parent nor child will survive. Therefore, the needs of the parent must come FIRST in order for the rest of the family to thrive.
What mom isn’t looking for help to get her kids to toe-the-line, find time for herself and make her life go more smoothly? Wouldn’t it be great if moms had a place to have fun, get pampered in addition to getting a year’s worth of great advice and support for the endless and often thankless work in just one day?
This place exists and it’s called MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms www.Mamacon.net , and will take place May 18 & 19 at the Bellevue Hilton.
Grow Parenting is excited and honored to be contributors and participants in the inaugural MamaCon event that will change the lives of hundreds of moms in and around the Puget Sound area. With over 50 parenting and life speakers and experts, including Rosalind Wiseman, New York Times best selling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, free mini-spa treatments, wine tasting, a comedy show and Seattle Mom Prom www.seattlemomprom.com local moms will get just what they need to be happier, calmer, and more empowered mamas.
Here are just a few of the speakers and topics you will have to choose from at this two day event:
Life Strategies
Solving the Dinner Dilemma: Stress-Free Cooking For Busy Moms - Make Ahead Mamas
Envy the Energizer Bunny? Sleep for the Exhausted Mama - Catherine Darley, ND
Vodka: It’s Not Just for Drinking Jim Allen
Getting Your Groove Back: Sex for the Exhausted Mama - Amy Johnson
From Clutter to Calm - Sara Eizen
Motherhood, Money and Mayhem - Debbie Whitlock
The Momarchy: Take Your Life Back From Your Kids - Angela Toussaint
Parenting Strategies
Raising Resilient Kids- Avoiding Praise Junkies! - Sarina Behar Natkin
Turn It Off! Tips and Tools for Parenting in the Age of Technology - Ann Hungar Steel
Chores Without Challenge - Patricia Nan Anderson
Turning Anger to Empathy: Responding to Misbehavior with Empathy - Kathy Slattengren
Creating Grateful Kids - Shirin Shirkat
That Would Never Happen to MY Daughter! - Kelly Marquet
Picky Eating: It’s Not Your Fault! - Matthew Amster-Burton
The ABC’s of Emotion Coaching – Melissa Benaroya
Register today at MamaCon and take advantage of this $20 off code: MCNSPEC
When you first became a parent, you immediately put your focus on the needs of your child. Your infant needed your attention in order to survive. However, if even your basic needs are neglected, neither parent nor child will survive. Therefore, the needs of the parent must come FIRST in order for the rest of the family to thrive.
What mom isn’t looking for help to get her kids to toe-the-line, find time for herself and make her life go more smoothly? Wouldn’t it be great if moms had a place to have fun, get pampered in addition to getting a year’s worth of great advice and support for the endless and often thankless work in just one day?
This place exists and it’s called MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms www.Mamacon.net , and will take place May 18 & 19 at the Bellevue Hilton.
Grow Parenting is excited and honored to be contributors and participants in the inaugural MamaCon event that will change the lives of hundreds of moms in and around the Puget Sound area. With over 50 parenting and life speakers and experts, including Rosalind Wiseman, New York Times best selling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, free mini-spa treatments, wine tasting, a comedy show and Seattle Mom Prom www.seattlemomprom.com local moms will get just what they need to be happier, calmer, and more empowered mamas.
Here are just a few of the speakers and topics you will have to choose from at this two day event:
Life Strategies
Solving the Dinner Dilemma: Stress-Free Cooking For Busy Moms - Make Ahead Mamas
Envy the Energizer Bunny? Sleep for the Exhausted Mama - Catherine Darley, ND
Vodka: It’s Not Just for Drinking Jim Allen
Getting Your Groove Back: Sex for the Exhausted Mama - Amy Johnson
From Clutter to Calm - Sara Eizen
Motherhood, Money and Mayhem - Debbie Whitlock
The Momarchy: Take Your Life Back From Your Kids - Angela Toussaint
Parenting Strategies
Raising Resilient Kids- Avoiding Praise Junkies! - Sarina Behar Natkin
Turn It Off! Tips and Tools for Parenting in the Age of Technology - Ann Hungar Steel
Chores Without Challenge - Patricia Nan Anderson
Turning Anger to Empathy: Responding to Misbehavior with Empathy - Kathy Slattengren
Creating Grateful Kids - Shirin Shirkat
That Would Never Happen to MY Daughter! - Kelly Marquet
Picky Eating: It’s Not Your Fault! - Matthew Amster-Burton
The ABC’s of Emotion Coaching – Melissa Benaroya
Register today at MamaCon and take advantage of this $20 off code: MCNSPEC
A Parenting Recipe for Raising Healthy Eaters
By Sarina Behar Natkin
This article originally appeared as a guest post on Herbivoracious.
“What’s for dinner?” “Ugh, I hate green beans!” “Can I have dessert yet?” “I’m not hungry (but I will be as soon as you clear the table)”…the list of mealtime complaints can go on and on. Not to mention the mayhem that may ensue before your little one can even talk. Not many parents can forget the frustration of thrown food, the mess of the yogurt in the hair, or the game of “watch mommy pick up my bagel over and over again.”
Food is a huge part of human life and most parents I meet cannot wait to dive in to the world of food with their babies. As the wife of a food blogger and chef, we must have spent weeks talking about what our first food would be! Little did we know we were in store for a whole lot more than the idyllic family meals of The Cosby Show.
Clearly Americans seem to have a love/hate relationship with food. Scan the headlines in just about any newspaper and it’s filled with what to eat, what not to eat, who should eat less, who should eat more. It’s enough to drive an anxious parent to confiscate Halloween candy only to wallow in chocolate when no one is looking.
What if there was a different way? What if we step back and look at the big picture? Taking a long-term parenting perspective can help us let go of the power struggles and give our children the skills to develop a healthy relationship with food. I am not a nutritionist, so this will not be an article about nutritional content or what a healthy diet looks like. Instead, I offer a recipe for building healthy eating habits that last a lifetime.
Children learn so much more from what we do than what we say. Given that we eat several times each day, your relationship with food is readily apparent to your children. They notice what you eat, how you talk about food, and how you talk about your own and other people’s bodies.
As a mother of two girls and someone who struggled with body image from about age 12, this was an area I thought about a great deal. As a matter of fact, for me, it was the one thing I hoped to get “right” with my daughters. If I could pick one area to be successful in as a parent, it would be for my children to know they are loved unconditionally for who they are on the inside, not what they look like on the outside. This meant being very aware of what my eating habits look like. Was I eating a healthy diet? Did I have a lot of variety on my plate even before they were eating table food?
It is critical that we think about not just what our children see now, but where our values and beliefs around food came from. Were mealtimes pleasant in your own childhood? Were you plagued with body image issues as many in our culture are? Even if you are one of those people who can live on donuts and nachos without gaining an ounce, that’s worth thinking about as well. Sometimes parents who have never had to give a thought to maintaining a healthy weight find it challenging to understand the body image issues that may come up for their teens and tweens.
Whatever our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on food may be, we need to be aware of them before we can really help our kids be clear on theirs. If we don’t, we risk sending mixed messages to our kids.
Nothing can strip kids of a healthy relationship with food faster than power struggles. Kids are smart. They know what they want. They also know their bodies are their own. The more we try to control, the more they will resist. Anyone who has spent some time with a toddler knows they can out wait us grown-ups every time.
I know most parents have heard this before, but at least once a day I want to slip a piece of paper stating it to a parent deep in the dance of wills with a child. So here it is: Your job is to put healthy food options on the table, their job is to choose whether or not to eat and how much to eat. Seems simple? It might be, if we really have worked at step one, examining our own relationship with food. Let me say it again: parents decide the what and when of eating, kids decide the how much.
Once upon a time, we too had an innate ability to listen to our bodies, know what it craved and know how much our bodies needed of it. From years of using food as rewards and comfort (and whatever else we believe has contributed to obesity in America) we have learned how to override our amazing self-regulating system. LETS NOT DO THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!
Here are some of the most common power struggles I see around food along with tools from Positive Discipline that can help avoid them from the start:
Behold The Power of Treats!
Kids want them. All of the time. Of course they do! We often have made it the source of all happiness and the forbidden fruit at the same time. All of life’s big events seem to have them. Birthday parties, holidays, celebrations have them. We use them as reward for big things and small. Pee pee in the potty? Yay, you get an M&M! Bad day? Lets go get cupcakes. What if you decided on some clear rules around the role of treats in your family, shared those with your child, and then followed through with kindness and firmness at the same time?
Here’s an example of what this looks like in our home. First off, we took some time to talk about our own experiences with treats. We were both pretty clear that we love treats and think they are a normal part of life. We knew from our life experience that if we feel deprived of something, we just want it more. We all pick our battles based on our core values. For us, we felt that battling over treats was not going to be helpful to our children in developing a healthy relationship with food.
We decided when our first child was around 2 and started regularly asking for treats that a small treat each day was absolutely fine. Some days there are birthday parties or special events or some other opportunity for a bigger treat. If we know those are coming up, we make sure not to have bigger treats on the days around then. We very clearly explained this to our two year old, and have had virtually no struggles around treats in our house. We have gone through both children’s toddler and preschool years with a candy bowl in an open cabinet at their level. They know what a small treat is because we have taught them. It is one piece of candy, a few chocolate chips, or a few M&Ms, and they rarely ask for more. On occasion they will ask for something bigger. We take a moment, think about the days ahead and if they will be having any bigger treats in the next day or two and, we can decide together.
There’s another part of the treat power struggle that I see frequently. “You can have dessert when you finish dinner.” I often see this as an invitation for kids to either rush through dinner to get on to dessert or not eat enough dinner just so they can move on to dessert.
This was not a struggle I wanted to spend time on. I wanted meal times to be calm and focused on eating a well-balanced meal together as a family. Again, I also wanted my children to have a healthy relationship with treats. If it was such a big deal that they had to eat something else before getting to dessert, I would be making dessert into a forbidden fruit, and I might as well write a formal invitation for a power struggle. For this reason, our children often have their treats after school. If after school is not a good fit for your family, I would consider putting dessert on the table at the same time as dinner. If desserts are an appropriate size, it shouldn’t matter the order they eat it in.
Short-order Cooking
While I often see families put their foot down about finishing dinner before dessert or taking a required number of bites, I see them send the opposite message about mealtime when they make special food for their children. If you have prepared a meal for your family and your children immediately rejects it, how often do you make them something else? In our home, the answer is never.
Thanks to a friend with a child older than my first, we embraced a fantastic rule for addressing the inevitable rejection of what’s for dinner. If our children do not want is made, they are welcome to have fruit or yogurt. Now that our children are old enough, we took it a step further- they need to get it themselves. This means if the fruit they want is an uncut melon, that’s not going to fly. They need to pick something they are able to manage by themselves so that we may continue enjoying our dinner. Not only is this a lifesaver for power struggles, it is also an opportunity for kids to exercise the essential life skills of independence and self-sufficiency.
Forcing Foods
Children who are exposed to lots of different flavors will eventually eat a varied diet. They may reject foods many times before agreeing to try them, only to decide that they actually like it. Our second child rejected tofu, a staple in our vegetarian home, for a full two years! We just kept putting it on the table with no pressure to try it, knowing she would when she was ready. If we insisted on her eating a mandatory amount of bites, we likely would have pushed her away from tofu for much longer. Put the food that you make on the table, allow them to choose whether or not to eat it, and you go ahead and enjoy it. Remember how kids learn so much more from what we do than what we say? I think the quickest way to get a child to try a new food is for the parent to sit down and eat it and not even ask if they want to try it. Just the fact that you are enjoying it is enough to pique their interest!
I love vegetables. I loved that our first child ate any and every vegetable for the first four years. Then her adventurous palette went in to hiding, as is common of four year olds. If I forced her to eat vegetables that she doesn’t like, I would have likely sent that former veggie lover in to many years of hating vegetables. Instead I know that she gets almost as many nutrients from fruit, she takes a daily multivitamin, and she will eat the few vegetables she likes with glee. We continue to make a variety of vegetables and put them on the table, and I know that she will enjoy them when she is ready.
Along the same lines as forcing food, another common issue I see in my practice are parents spoon-feeding kids way too old to be fed. From the time your child starts solid foods, they are old enough to practice feeding themselves. Yes, it may be messier, but they cannot develop the skills without practice. I understand that it may be longer before toddlers can use a spoon with runny foods, but by all means, they need to be feeding themselves everything else! I often see parents feeding two and three year olds. This is only going to hasten the process of your child tuning out their own body signals around what they need to eat and how much. Put the spoon down, and trust your child will get enough to eat.
Parental fears and guilt plays a huge role in this one. There is the dreaded fear that if they don’t get enough to eat, they will wake us up at night. This is a self-correcting problem if we let it be. Mealtimes and snack times are when we eat. If we don’t eat when meals and snacks are offered, we may be hungry. What happens if you miss a meal? Missing one meal will not have any long-term impact. But what about the long-term impact of saying: “This is when our family eats” instead of rescuing our children from the choices they make? If we rescue them from discomfort and frustration, they will believe they are not able to handle those emotions. What happens then when we are not there to fix their world for them? Will they believe in their own ability to make healthy choices for themselves? Will they have the resilience to deal with life’s challenges? Your child will survive if they miss dinner one night. Believe in their resilience and they will believe in themselves.
Then there’s the guilt. Food represents so much more than enjoying taste and sustaining our bodies. It represents care. I feed you, I care for you. If I deprive you of a snack when you didn’t eat dinner and you are supposed to be sleeping, I must not care for you. Is that really the truth though? How about I love you enough to believe you will survive this night. I love you enough to know that if I resist the urge to say “I told you so”, I will be giving you the space to evaluate for yourself if you want to make a different choice tomorrow. If we let guilt run the show, we may do all sorts of things that deprive our children of critical life skills. As parents, we owe it to our children to sit with our own feelings instead of always rescuing, so our children learn to sit with theirs.
Many of us fondly remember cooking with our parents. For my husband, it was the inspiration for a lifetime of cooking. He lost his mother to breast cancer at a young age, yet cooking with her and then for her as she fought cancer shaped him profoundly. He now has an amazing blog and upcoming cookbook release to show for it. The connection he had with his mom, through cooking with her as a child, is still what keeps him connected to her today.
When people feel connected and valued for their role, they are much more likely to be an active participant. This is true for adults and kids alike. How much better does food taste when you worked hard to create it? How much more do you appreciate what went into creating something when you saw the process? Involving kids in meal preparation not only helps them feel needed, but also helps them appreciate the meal that follows.
Children can join in with meal preparation at a very young age. Our first child was experimenting with modernist cuisine at the age of three by making asparagus spheres with dad! No, they may not julienne the carrots perfectly, but there is much even an 18 month old can do to feel a part of making the meal.
Involving kids can start before the actual cooking. Families who involve their children in meal planning and shopping are giving their kids even more opportunities to feel connected. The learning opportunities are overflowing when we teach them about planning ahead, selecting ingredients, weighing produce, learning about money, and all of the steps that bring food from farm to table. They develop a sense of pride from contributing to the family work right up through setting the table. The biggest bonus- when they are involved throughout the entire process, they are more likely to eat it!
When we step back and take a long-term parenting perspective on the role of food in the lives of our children, we quickly realize that controlling and rescuing are not going to give our children a healthy relationship with food. If we want our children to find joy in food and love their bodies, we must let go and put an end to power struggles around food.
I know I am not the first to suggest our culture’s love/hate relationship with food is literally killing us. I also know that we want a better world for our children. We want them to be healthy; we want them to love themselves unconditionally. All of this is possible when we widen our parenting lens and start with ourselves. When we are able to develop a healthy relationship with food as adults, we will let go of the guilt and fear that clouds our parenting choices. Only then can our children truly develop a healthy relationship with food.
This article originally appeared as a guest post on Herbivoracious.
“What’s for dinner?” “Ugh, I hate green beans!” “Can I have dessert yet?” “I’m not hungry (but I will be as soon as you clear the table)”…the list of mealtime complaints can go on and on. Not to mention the mayhem that may ensue before your little one can even talk. Not many parents can forget the frustration of thrown food, the mess of the yogurt in the hair, or the game of “watch mommy pick up my bagel over and over again.”
Food is a huge part of human life and most parents I meet cannot wait to dive in to the world of food with their babies. As the wife of a food blogger and chef, we must have spent weeks talking about what our first food would be! Little did we know we were in store for a whole lot more than the idyllic family meals of The Cosby Show.
Clearly Americans seem to have a love/hate relationship with food. Scan the headlines in just about any newspaper and it’s filled with what to eat, what not to eat, who should eat less, who should eat more. It’s enough to drive an anxious parent to confiscate Halloween candy only to wallow in chocolate when no one is looking.
What if there was a different way? What if we step back and look at the big picture? Taking a long-term parenting perspective can help us let go of the power struggles and give our children the skills to develop a healthy relationship with food. I am not a nutritionist, so this will not be an article about nutritional content or what a healthy diet looks like. Instead, I offer a recipe for building healthy eating habits that last a lifetime.
Step 1- Create Self Awareness
Children learn so much more from what we do than what we say. Given that we eat several times each day, your relationship with food is readily apparent to your children. They notice what you eat, how you talk about food, and how you talk about your own and other people’s bodies.
As a mother of two girls and someone who struggled with body image from about age 12, this was an area I thought about a great deal. As a matter of fact, for me, it was the one thing I hoped to get “right” with my daughters. If I could pick one area to be successful in as a parent, it would be for my children to know they are loved unconditionally for who they are on the inside, not what they look like on the outside. This meant being very aware of what my eating habits look like. Was I eating a healthy diet? Did I have a lot of variety on my plate even before they were eating table food?
It is critical that we think about not just what our children see now, but where our values and beliefs around food came from. Were mealtimes pleasant in your own childhood? Were you plagued with body image issues as many in our culture are? Even if you are one of those people who can live on donuts and nachos without gaining an ounce, that’s worth thinking about as well. Sometimes parents who have never had to give a thought to maintaining a healthy weight find it challenging to understand the body image issues that may come up for their teens and tweens.
Whatever our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on food may be, we need to be aware of them before we can really help our kids be clear on theirs. If we don’t, we risk sending mixed messages to our kids.
Step 2- End Power Struggles
Nothing can strip kids of a healthy relationship with food faster than power struggles. Kids are smart. They know what they want. They also know their bodies are their own. The more we try to control, the more they will resist. Anyone who has spent some time with a toddler knows they can out wait us grown-ups every time.
I know most parents have heard this before, but at least once a day I want to slip a piece of paper stating it to a parent deep in the dance of wills with a child. So here it is: Your job is to put healthy food options on the table, their job is to choose whether or not to eat and how much to eat. Seems simple? It might be, if we really have worked at step one, examining our own relationship with food. Let me say it again: parents decide the what and when of eating, kids decide the how much.
Once upon a time, we too had an innate ability to listen to our bodies, know what it craved and know how much our bodies needed of it. From years of using food as rewards and comfort (and whatever else we believe has contributed to obesity in America) we have learned how to override our amazing self-regulating system. LETS NOT DO THIS TO OUR CHILDREN!
Here are some of the most common power struggles I see around food along with tools from Positive Discipline that can help avoid them from the start:
Behold The Power of Treats!
Kids want them. All of the time. Of course they do! We often have made it the source of all happiness and the forbidden fruit at the same time. All of life’s big events seem to have them. Birthday parties, holidays, celebrations have them. We use them as reward for big things and small. Pee pee in the potty? Yay, you get an M&M! Bad day? Lets go get cupcakes. What if you decided on some clear rules around the role of treats in your family, shared those with your child, and then followed through with kindness and firmness at the same time?
Here’s an example of what this looks like in our home. First off, we took some time to talk about our own experiences with treats. We were both pretty clear that we love treats and think they are a normal part of life. We knew from our life experience that if we feel deprived of something, we just want it more. We all pick our battles based on our core values. For us, we felt that battling over treats was not going to be helpful to our children in developing a healthy relationship with food.
We decided when our first child was around 2 and started regularly asking for treats that a small treat each day was absolutely fine. Some days there are birthday parties or special events or some other opportunity for a bigger treat. If we know those are coming up, we make sure not to have bigger treats on the days around then. We very clearly explained this to our two year old, and have had virtually no struggles around treats in our house. We have gone through both children’s toddler and preschool years with a candy bowl in an open cabinet at their level. They know what a small treat is because we have taught them. It is one piece of candy, a few chocolate chips, or a few M&Ms, and they rarely ask for more. On occasion they will ask for something bigger. We take a moment, think about the days ahead and if they will be having any bigger treats in the next day or two and, we can decide together.
There’s another part of the treat power struggle that I see frequently. “You can have dessert when you finish dinner.” I often see this as an invitation for kids to either rush through dinner to get on to dessert or not eat enough dinner just so they can move on to dessert.
This was not a struggle I wanted to spend time on. I wanted meal times to be calm and focused on eating a well-balanced meal together as a family. Again, I also wanted my children to have a healthy relationship with treats. If it was such a big deal that they had to eat something else before getting to dessert, I would be making dessert into a forbidden fruit, and I might as well write a formal invitation for a power struggle. For this reason, our children often have their treats after school. If after school is not a good fit for your family, I would consider putting dessert on the table at the same time as dinner. If desserts are an appropriate size, it shouldn’t matter the order they eat it in.
Short-order Cooking
While I often see families put their foot down about finishing dinner before dessert or taking a required number of bites, I see them send the opposite message about mealtime when they make special food for their children. If you have prepared a meal for your family and your children immediately rejects it, how often do you make them something else? In our home, the answer is never.
Thanks to a friend with a child older than my first, we embraced a fantastic rule for addressing the inevitable rejection of what’s for dinner. If our children do not want is made, they are welcome to have fruit or yogurt. Now that our children are old enough, we took it a step further- they need to get it themselves. This means if the fruit they want is an uncut melon, that’s not going to fly. They need to pick something they are able to manage by themselves so that we may continue enjoying our dinner. Not only is this a lifesaver for power struggles, it is also an opportunity for kids to exercise the essential life skills of independence and self-sufficiency.
Forcing Foods
Children who are exposed to lots of different flavors will eventually eat a varied diet. They may reject foods many times before agreeing to try them, only to decide that they actually like it. Our second child rejected tofu, a staple in our vegetarian home, for a full two years! We just kept putting it on the table with no pressure to try it, knowing she would when she was ready. If we insisted on her eating a mandatory amount of bites, we likely would have pushed her away from tofu for much longer. Put the food that you make on the table, allow them to choose whether or not to eat it, and you go ahead and enjoy it. Remember how kids learn so much more from what we do than what we say? I think the quickest way to get a child to try a new food is for the parent to sit down and eat it and not even ask if they want to try it. Just the fact that you are enjoying it is enough to pique their interest!
I love vegetables. I loved that our first child ate any and every vegetable for the first four years. Then her adventurous palette went in to hiding, as is common of four year olds. If I forced her to eat vegetables that she doesn’t like, I would have likely sent that former veggie lover in to many years of hating vegetables. Instead I know that she gets almost as many nutrients from fruit, she takes a daily multivitamin, and she will eat the few vegetables she likes with glee. We continue to make a variety of vegetables and put them on the table, and I know that she will enjoy them when she is ready.
Along the same lines as forcing food, another common issue I see in my practice are parents spoon-feeding kids way too old to be fed. From the time your child starts solid foods, they are old enough to practice feeding themselves. Yes, it may be messier, but they cannot develop the skills without practice. I understand that it may be longer before toddlers can use a spoon with runny foods, but by all means, they need to be feeding themselves everything else! I often see parents feeding two and three year olds. This is only going to hasten the process of your child tuning out their own body signals around what they need to eat and how much. Put the spoon down, and trust your child will get enough to eat.
Parental fears and guilt plays a huge role in this one. There is the dreaded fear that if they don’t get enough to eat, they will wake us up at night. This is a self-correcting problem if we let it be. Mealtimes and snack times are when we eat. If we don’t eat when meals and snacks are offered, we may be hungry. What happens if you miss a meal? Missing one meal will not have any long-term impact. But what about the long-term impact of saying: “This is when our family eats” instead of rescuing our children from the choices they make? If we rescue them from discomfort and frustration, they will believe they are not able to handle those emotions. What happens then when we are not there to fix their world for them? Will they believe in their own ability to make healthy choices for themselves? Will they have the resilience to deal with life’s challenges? Your child will survive if they miss dinner one night. Believe in their resilience and they will believe in themselves.
Then there’s the guilt. Food represents so much more than enjoying taste and sustaining our bodies. It represents care. I feed you, I care for you. If I deprive you of a snack when you didn’t eat dinner and you are supposed to be sleeping, I must not care for you. Is that really the truth though? How about I love you enough to believe you will survive this night. I love you enough to know that if I resist the urge to say “I told you so”, I will be giving you the space to evaluate for yourself if you want to make a different choice tomorrow. If we let guilt run the show, we may do all sorts of things that deprive our children of critical life skills. As parents, we owe it to our children to sit with our own feelings instead of always rescuing, so our children learn to sit with theirs.
Step 3- Involve Kids in the Process
Many of us fondly remember cooking with our parents. For my husband, it was the inspiration for a lifetime of cooking. He lost his mother to breast cancer at a young age, yet cooking with her and then for her as she fought cancer shaped him profoundly. He now has an amazing blog and upcoming cookbook release to show for it. The connection he had with his mom, through cooking with her as a child, is still what keeps him connected to her today.
When people feel connected and valued for their role, they are much more likely to be an active participant. This is true for adults and kids alike. How much better does food taste when you worked hard to create it? How much more do you appreciate what went into creating something when you saw the process? Involving kids in meal preparation not only helps them feel needed, but also helps them appreciate the meal that follows.
Children can join in with meal preparation at a very young age. Our first child was experimenting with modernist cuisine at the age of three by making asparagus spheres with dad! No, they may not julienne the carrots perfectly, but there is much even an 18 month old can do to feel a part of making the meal.
Involving kids can start before the actual cooking. Families who involve their children in meal planning and shopping are giving their kids even more opportunities to feel connected. The learning opportunities are overflowing when we teach them about planning ahead, selecting ingredients, weighing produce, learning about money, and all of the steps that bring food from farm to table. They develop a sense of pride from contributing to the family work right up through setting the table. The biggest bonus- when they are involved throughout the entire process, they are more likely to eat it!
Step 4- Bon Appetit!
When we step back and take a long-term parenting perspective on the role of food in the lives of our children, we quickly realize that controlling and rescuing are not going to give our children a healthy relationship with food. If we want our children to find joy in food and love their bodies, we must let go and put an end to power struggles around food.
I know I am not the first to suggest our culture’s love/hate relationship with food is literally killing us. I also know that we want a better world for our children. We want them to be healthy; we want them to love themselves unconditionally. All of this is possible when we widen our parenting lens and start with ourselves. When we are able to develop a healthy relationship with food as adults, we will let go of the guilt and fear that clouds our parenting choices. Only then can our children truly develop a healthy relationship with food.
Preschool Search Starts Now, With You!
04/02/12 12:08 PM Filed in: General Parenting Education
GROW Parenting is thrilled to have education coach Anoo Padte as our guest blogger today. GROW Parenting is a proud co-sponsor of Anoo's upcoming lecture on April 9, 2012 entitled "Choosing the Right Preschool." We hope you will join us!
October through January is the busiest time of year for parents seeking admission at all grade levels from preschool through college at independent and public schools. In those hectic months, parents try to identify schools, visit them, apply and get interviewed. That’s a lot of ground to cover in four months and it misses one crucial beginning step. A good part of choosing the right school relies on knowing what matters to your child and your family.
This is most true in searching for a preschool. As children blossom and change rapidly in early years, still growing to articulate and convey their needs, parents rely on what they want for their child’s preschool years. In years to come, school choice grows to be a collaborative process that includes the child’s voice. But, at preschool, it is mostly about what parents think is right and want. A big part of the preschool choice process begins with parents’ own educational experience, family values, logistical needs, demand for specific care situations, hopes of nurturing skills in those crucial early years.
It is hard to reflect on these foundational questions while also identifying schools and visiting them. As schools offer overwhelming amounts of information, it is easy for parents to choose what they want based on what they see at a specific school. It’s like buying an apple because that is what you see at the store, without thinking about whether you even want a fruit. While matching parent’s hopes and expectations to what a school offers is an important step in the process, it needs to come after parents have had a chance and have taken the time to reflect on what they want outside of what a specific school has to offer. More importantly it is crucial for parents to gather fundamental information about what children need in preschool years and the types of preschools that exist. This needs to happen before they identify specific preschools to visit.
As admission to leading preschools in the area begins in October the best time to begin this reflective, self-education process is in spring, before the bustle of summer starts when schools close and before parents know it, it is time to dive into the admission process. The PEPS and GROW Parenting sponsored Choosing the Right Preschool workshop offers parents a unique, timely opportunity to learn about what children most need in preschool, types of preschools and ways in which parents can begin to ask themselves what they most want for their young ones and themselves.
Register today so you can enjoy the process of choosing the right preschool and land your child is just the right spot.
Find more information about Anoo at www.artofeducation.net.
October through January is the busiest time of year for parents seeking admission at all grade levels from preschool through college at independent and public schools. In those hectic months, parents try to identify schools, visit them, apply and get interviewed. That’s a lot of ground to cover in four months and it misses one crucial beginning step. A good part of choosing the right school relies on knowing what matters to your child and your family.
This is most true in searching for a preschool. As children blossom and change rapidly in early years, still growing to articulate and convey their needs, parents rely on what they want for their child’s preschool years. In years to come, school choice grows to be a collaborative process that includes the child’s voice. But, at preschool, it is mostly about what parents think is right and want. A big part of the preschool choice process begins with parents’ own educational experience, family values, logistical needs, demand for specific care situations, hopes of nurturing skills in those crucial early years.
It is hard to reflect on these foundational questions while also identifying schools and visiting them. As schools offer overwhelming amounts of information, it is easy for parents to choose what they want based on what they see at a specific school. It’s like buying an apple because that is what you see at the store, without thinking about whether you even want a fruit. While matching parent’s hopes and expectations to what a school offers is an important step in the process, it needs to come after parents have had a chance and have taken the time to reflect on what they want outside of what a specific school has to offer. More importantly it is crucial for parents to gather fundamental information about what children need in preschool years and the types of preschools that exist. This needs to happen before they identify specific preschools to visit.
As admission to leading preschools in the area begins in October the best time to begin this reflective, self-education process is in spring, before the bustle of summer starts when schools close and before parents know it, it is time to dive into the admission process. The PEPS and GROW Parenting sponsored Choosing the Right Preschool workshop offers parents a unique, timely opportunity to learn about what children most need in preschool, types of preschools and ways in which parents can begin to ask themselves what they most want for their young ones and themselves.
Register today so you can enjoy the process of choosing the right preschool and land your child is just the right spot.
Find more information about Anoo at www.artofeducation.net.
The Road to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
03/25/12 10:42 PM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Melissa Benaroya
Why is it so darn hard to feel like you are a great parent and that your responses to your children are not only respectful but also effective? After working with children and their families for nearly fifteen years I had a moment of clarity this week. Becoming the parent you want to be is really a three part process:
1) Greater understanding
2) Learning or honing skills
3) Choosing to practice skills until they become natural
Parenting is a job that should require some training, but there really isn’t a formal education you can receive to prepare you for the task! It is helpful to note that becoming the parent you want to be is a process and it can only happen with on the job training. So, the first part of the process is GREATER UNDERSTANDING. Simply put, this means understanding what the heck is going on with your child during each stage of development, why it is happening, and what you can do to support your child during this time. Remember that line “knowledge is power?" This is true in parenting too. If you understand why your child is doing all the crazy things they are doing you can better empathize, connect, and support them. Even when they are screaming bloody murder in your face you have a greater ability to remain calm and present, because you understand that it is not about you!
The second part of the process is learning new parenting skills or honing the ones you already have. Many of the parents that I work are amazing employees and managers. They have skills to navigate tough people and situations in the work place. Many times what is required is just stepping back to see how these same skills can be useful in working with their children. For other parents learning parenting skills is a whole new world. A lot of parents tend to recreate the dynamic that they grew up in, even though their intention is to be completely different than the parents who raised them. By learning four or five responses that are both respectful and effective it can help parents create the family relationships they desire while handling their child’s behaviors and emotions.
The last part of the process is the hardest! Yes, it actually requires that you apply your understanding while practicing the skills you have in your parenting toolbox. And it does not require a little practice, it requires A LOT! Making the choice to practice and use your skills takes effort and time. But the investment you make will pay off in spades. This is your family, you owe it not only to them to make the investment but you also owe it to yourself. You deserve a great life and a wonderful family. So invest in the process, and I guarantee you will reap the rewards.
1) Greater understanding
2) Learning or honing skills
3) Choosing to practice skills until they become natural
Parenting is a job that should require some training, but there really isn’t a formal education you can receive to prepare you for the task! It is helpful to note that becoming the parent you want to be is a process and it can only happen with on the job training. So, the first part of the process is GREATER UNDERSTANDING. Simply put, this means understanding what the heck is going on with your child during each stage of development, why it is happening, and what you can do to support your child during this time. Remember that line “knowledge is power?" This is true in parenting too. If you understand why your child is doing all the crazy things they are doing you can better empathize, connect, and support them. Even when they are screaming bloody murder in your face you have a greater ability to remain calm and present, because you understand that it is not about you!
The second part of the process is learning new parenting skills or honing the ones you already have. Many of the parents that I work are amazing employees and managers. They have skills to navigate tough people and situations in the work place. Many times what is required is just stepping back to see how these same skills can be useful in working with their children. For other parents learning parenting skills is a whole new world. A lot of parents tend to recreate the dynamic that they grew up in, even though their intention is to be completely different than the parents who raised them. By learning four or five responses that are both respectful and effective it can help parents create the family relationships they desire while handling their child’s behaviors and emotions.
The last part of the process is the hardest! Yes, it actually requires that you apply your understanding while practicing the skills you have in your parenting toolbox. And it does not require a little practice, it requires A LOT! Making the choice to practice and use your skills takes effort and time. But the investment you make will pay off in spades. This is your family, you owe it not only to them to make the investment but you also owe it to yourself. You deserve a great life and a wonderful family. So invest in the process, and I guarantee you will reap the rewards.
Daddy Do It! What To Do When Our Kids Play Favorites
03/13/12 10:00 AM Filed in: Discipline General Parenting
By Sarina Behar Natkin
On occasion, GROW Parenting will answer reader questions on our blog. We choose questions based on the issues we frequently hear about from families we work with. In today’s post, I answer a reader’s question about their little one preferring one parent over the other.
Reader Question
My daughter tends to gravitate toward me (Papa), who is home with her more frequently. If I am home, she refuses to let her Dad help her with anything, give her a bath, or give her affection. Last night it came to a head when after when she didn’t want him to hug and kiss her goodnight. It was understandably quite upsetting to him. In the back of my mind I'm certain this is normal, but I also feel as though I need to do something.
Is it normal for kids to do this? If so, when do they generally get past it? I'm concerned that my partner might withdraw because of his hurt feelings and I am worried this will only make the problem worse.
Answer
You are absolutely right; this is quite normal! I am not sure how old your daughter is, but I can say that this is often the case for the 2-3 year old age group. They play favorites at different times and it can be very upsetting to both parents...for the parent feels like they have to do everything and for the one who feels rejected by their child. I can hear it is causing a great deal of stress for your family.
One issue is, once the child realizes what an impact the behavior has, they see it as a good way to get attention. I have seen it become a power struggle for young children both in my own family and in many that I work with. I clearly remember when my second child was two and went through this. She started screaming from the time we got in the car, "Mama get me uppy" and would chant it continuously until we reached our destination. If anyone else tried to get her up, she screamed and would keep at it for several minutes. It was just her way of trying to manipulate her environment and feel some sense of control over her world. Totally normal, not misbehavior, just wanted to make sure things will be just how she wants them.
As with many parenting challenges, the more of a power struggle it becomes, the longer the behavior continues.
Here's a few ideas-
1) Make sure your partner has special time alone with your daughter. Whether she wants it or not, its important for each parent to have one on one time and usually once the favored parent is away, they relate just fine with the other. They may cry when you go, but that usually doesn't last.
2) Disengage the power struggle. As hard as it may feel to your partner, letting it go for a short time may help ease the tension around it. This worked really well with my kiddos and with many families I have worked with. It means not asking for affection, not giving hugs and kisses when the child doesn't initiate it, not making a big deal at all in front of the child. When it comes to actual care (diaper changes, baths, getting a child in and out of the car, it is ok to let the child fuss/cry about it for a few minutes and let the other parent do it. At calm moments, it may help to talk to your child about what it means to be a family- everyone works together to care for each other. You can tell your child that you need help too, so daddy will be picking her up, etc. The trick is keeping your own and your partners emotions calm and kind. If a parent is mad about their response, it just fuels the power struggle more. This is hard though, I know.
Bottom line, know that this will pass. Just when we hit our absolute limit with a child's behavior, it often changes. Hang in there and thanks again for sharing your question.
Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW
Reader Question
My daughter tends to gravitate toward me (Papa), who is home with her more frequently. If I am home, she refuses to let her Dad help her with anything, give her a bath, or give her affection. Last night it came to a head when after when she didn’t want him to hug and kiss her goodnight. It was understandably quite upsetting to him. In the back of my mind I'm certain this is normal, but I also feel as though I need to do something.
Is it normal for kids to do this? If so, when do they generally get past it? I'm concerned that my partner might withdraw because of his hurt feelings and I am worried this will only make the problem worse.
Answer
You are absolutely right; this is quite normal! I am not sure how old your daughter is, but I can say that this is often the case for the 2-3 year old age group. They play favorites at different times and it can be very upsetting to both parents...for the parent feels like they have to do everything and for the one who feels rejected by their child. I can hear it is causing a great deal of stress for your family.
One issue is, once the child realizes what an impact the behavior has, they see it as a good way to get attention. I have seen it become a power struggle for young children both in my own family and in many that I work with. I clearly remember when my second child was two and went through this. She started screaming from the time we got in the car, "Mama get me uppy" and would chant it continuously until we reached our destination. If anyone else tried to get her up, she screamed and would keep at it for several minutes. It was just her way of trying to manipulate her environment and feel some sense of control over her world. Totally normal, not misbehavior, just wanted to make sure things will be just how she wants them.
As with many parenting challenges, the more of a power struggle it becomes, the longer the behavior continues.
Here's a few ideas-
1) Make sure your partner has special time alone with your daughter. Whether she wants it or not, its important for each parent to have one on one time and usually once the favored parent is away, they relate just fine with the other. They may cry when you go, but that usually doesn't last.
2) Disengage the power struggle. As hard as it may feel to your partner, letting it go for a short time may help ease the tension around it. This worked really well with my kiddos and with many families I have worked with. It means not asking for affection, not giving hugs and kisses when the child doesn't initiate it, not making a big deal at all in front of the child. When it comes to actual care (diaper changes, baths, getting a child in and out of the car, it is ok to let the child fuss/cry about it for a few minutes and let the other parent do it. At calm moments, it may help to talk to your child about what it means to be a family- everyone works together to care for each other. You can tell your child that you need help too, so daddy will be picking her up, etc. The trick is keeping your own and your partners emotions calm and kind. If a parent is mad about their response, it just fuels the power struggle more. This is hard though, I know.
Bottom line, know that this will pass. Just when we hit our absolute limit with a child's behavior, it often changes. Hang in there and thanks again for sharing your question.
Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW
Are You An "Emotion Coaching" Parent?
02/28/12 08:00 AM Filed in: General Parenting Discipline
By Melissa Benaroya
Emotion Coaching is not just a parenting style. It is also a tool developed by John Gottman to not only help and teach our children to handle challenges, but also as a means of developing a relationship with our children based on trust and mutual respect. Emotion coaching helps parents guide their children through life's ups and downs in a way that builds confidence, resilience and strong relationships. Developed by Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, this process helps children learn how emotions work and how to behave in healthy ways when their feelings are strong. It also teaches the skills that help children to thrive both socially and academically.
What Is An Emotion Coaching Parent?
Emotion Coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and the emotions of others. They recognize that all emotions serve a purpose and need to be expressed. They understand and accept that emotions are neither good nor bad, but that they are just normal! Gottman’s research has found that Emotion Coaching parents respond to lower intensity emotions before they escalate, guide their children through their experiences of emotions, and help with problem solving.
The Result: Children who believe their feelings are important, have good problem solving, high self esteem, ability to connect socially, and control and regulate their responses to a variety of experiences and stressors.
What Do Emotion Coaching Parents Do?
There are Five Steps to Gottman’s Emotion Coaching:
Want to learn more about how to use emotion coaching with your children?
Please join Melissa Benaroya from GROW Parenting in Seattle on March 13th for:
Emotion Coaching: An Essential Part of Your Parenting Toolbox!
Tuesday, March 13, 10 a.m. -12 noon
Held at Jewish Family Service, 1601 - 16th Avenue, Seattle WA
Advance registration required, as space is limited.
$18/person or $25/couple. Financial assistance available; please ask.
To register please contact Marjorie Schnyder, (206) 861-3146 or familylife@jfsseattle.org
What Is An Emotion Coaching Parent?
Emotion Coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and the emotions of others. They recognize that all emotions serve a purpose and need to be expressed. They understand and accept that emotions are neither good nor bad, but that they are just normal! Gottman’s research has found that Emotion Coaching parents respond to lower intensity emotions before they escalate, guide their children through their experiences of emotions, and help with problem solving.
The Result: Children who believe their feelings are important, have good problem solving, high self esteem, ability to connect socially, and control and regulate their responses to a variety of experiences and stressors.
What Do Emotion Coaching Parents Do?
There are Five Steps to Gottman’s Emotion Coaching:
- Emotional Awareness
- Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for connection and teaching.
- Listen empathetically & validate your child’s feelings.
- Help your child identify and label their emotions.
- Set limits while helping your child to problem solve.
Want to learn more about how to use emotion coaching with your children?
Please join Melissa Benaroya from GROW Parenting in Seattle on March 13th for:
Emotion Coaching: An Essential Part of Your Parenting Toolbox!
Tuesday, March 13, 10 a.m. -12 noon
Held at Jewish Family Service, 1601 - 16th Avenue, Seattle WA
Advance registration required, as space is limited.
$18/person or $25/couple. Financial assistance available; please ask.
To register please contact Marjorie Schnyder, (206) 861-3146 or familylife@jfsseattle.org
Long-term Parenting: Destination Ahead
01/30/12 11:39 AM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Sarina Behar Natkin
Today’s post is the third in a three part series on long-term parenting. The first post explored the idea of long-term parenting and the second post offered tools for widening your parenting lens. Today’s post offers specific tools to help move your family toward your goals.
Changing our habits can be challenging but here’s a great way to get started. Look at your list of characteristics and life skills that you want your children to have. Select the three values that matter most to your and your family and make those your focus for 2012. This is a great activity to do with your partner! Doing this together will get you on the same page as you work toward making positive changes in your family.
What do you want to see more of? When we shift the focus from what we want less of, to what we want more of, the solutions and tools to get there are more apparent. This is particularly true when most of our challenges are normal developmental stages for our children. It's exasperating trying to figure out what will make an annoying behavior go away, but many of us find ourselves filled with ideas for how to do more of something.
In early January, I spent some time thinking about what I want more of in our family. The three characteristics I selected to focus on this year are flexibility, patience, and self-discipline. Just to test out whether it is in fact easier to think of how to add more than how to get rid of something, I decided to try it out. I wrote down three things I would like to see less of, whining, nagging, impatience. Sure I can think of solutions for these, but just thinking about it feels tedious and depressing. When I think about how to increase our flexibility, patience, and self-discipline, I feel full of ideas. I feel hopeful. I feel excited. Which viewpoint is more likely to get my family and myself where we want to be?
The next step is to invite our kids along the journey. You may want to share with your children the areas you hope to grow in as a family this year. What do they think might help the family get there? Are there other goals they want to have on the list? What would support them in their learning along the way?
Creating hope in our children and ourselves is key, and long-term parenting is all about that. When we parent for the long-term, we raise kids who feel capable, confident, and curious, have faith in themselves, and believe they can learn from mistakes. When kids know these things, they treat us with greater respect and kindness (because that’s how we treat them), they don't expect us to be perfect (because we don't expect that of them), and we can stop second guessing ourselves, and find more joy in parenting.
Changing our habits can be challenging but here’s a great way to get started. Look at your list of characteristics and life skills that you want your children to have. Select the three values that matter most to your and your family and make those your focus for 2012. This is a great activity to do with your partner! Doing this together will get you on the same page as you work toward making positive changes in your family.
What do you want to see more of? When we shift the focus from what we want less of, to what we want more of, the solutions and tools to get there are more apparent. This is particularly true when most of our challenges are normal developmental stages for our children. It's exasperating trying to figure out what will make an annoying behavior go away, but many of us find ourselves filled with ideas for how to do more of something.
In early January, I spent some time thinking about what I want more of in our family. The three characteristics I selected to focus on this year are flexibility, patience, and self-discipline. Just to test out whether it is in fact easier to think of how to add more than how to get rid of something, I decided to try it out. I wrote down three things I would like to see less of, whining, nagging, impatience. Sure I can think of solutions for these, but just thinking about it feels tedious and depressing. When I think about how to increase our flexibility, patience, and self-discipline, I feel full of ideas. I feel hopeful. I feel excited. Which viewpoint is more likely to get my family and myself where we want to be?
The next step is to invite our kids along the journey. You may want to share with your children the areas you hope to grow in as a family this year. What do they think might help the family get there? Are there other goals they want to have on the list? What would support them in their learning along the way?
Creating hope in our children and ourselves is key, and long-term parenting is all about that. When we parent for the long-term, we raise kids who feel capable, confident, and curious, have faith in themselves, and believe they can learn from mistakes. When kids know these things, they treat us with greater respect and kindness (because that’s how we treat them), they don't expect us to be perfect (because we don't expect that of them), and we can stop second guessing ourselves, and find more joy in parenting.
Long-term Parenting: Discover Your Road Map
01/30/12 11:38 AM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Sarina Behar Natkin
Last week, I began a three part series on long-term parenting. The previous post explored the idea of long-term parenting. This post offers some tools to help you widen your parenting lens.
Here’s a great activity from Positive Discipline for helping you get clear on what your own bigger picture looks like. Sit down by yourself or with your co-parent and make a list of the current challenges you have with our kids. The day-to-day stuff that makes you want to scream. The idea behind this list is not to label these problems/behaviors we need to get rid of in our kids. The goal is just to get them out there.
Put that list aside and now make a list of values and characteristics you want your children to have as adults. What life skills do you believe your children need to have to be happy, contributing members of society? Common items on this list include self-respect, empathy, self-confidence, trust, risk taking, self-discipline, flexibility, kindness, motivation, and many others. Take your time and figure out which of these are most important to you and what others you would add. This is your parenting road map.
So, how we got from the first list to the second list? This is the crux of long-term parenting! All of those challenges can be used to help our children develop the characteristics and values that we want the to have as adults. The way we deal with those challenges is critical to helping our kiddos get those great values and skills.
Here’s an example. Many of us struggle with getting our kids to clean up their toys. If you have a family value of respect for objects and the environment, instead of getting in to a power struggle about picking up toys on any given night, you can slow down and think about what else might help you model and teach that value to your child. Could you do it together? Could you make it a game? Could you notice you are in a power struggle and let it go in that moment? Could you trust that if you did the clean up that time it doesn't mean they will go off to college and never know how to clean up? Could you have a family discussion about the problem of hassles over clean up, ask your child what ideas they have (works with young kiddos too!), and come up with a solution together that everyone can agree to stick with?
There's no one option that is perfect for all families. While we may have similar values on our lists, we have different ones too based on our own unique life experience. The goal of long-term parenting is to focus on how we can deal with challenges in ways that invite our children to gain the life skills we want them to have. As each new parenting challenge arises, keep in mind these life skills and how you can continually move towards them through discipline.
In the third part of this series, I offer specific tools for moving toward your long-term parenting goals.
Here’s a great activity from Positive Discipline for helping you get clear on what your own bigger picture looks like. Sit down by yourself or with your co-parent and make a list of the current challenges you have with our kids. The day-to-day stuff that makes you want to scream. The idea behind this list is not to label these problems/behaviors we need to get rid of in our kids. The goal is just to get them out there.
Put that list aside and now make a list of values and characteristics you want your children to have as adults. What life skills do you believe your children need to have to be happy, contributing members of society? Common items on this list include self-respect, empathy, self-confidence, trust, risk taking, self-discipline, flexibility, kindness, motivation, and many others. Take your time and figure out which of these are most important to you and what others you would add. This is your parenting road map.
So, how we got from the first list to the second list? This is the crux of long-term parenting! All of those challenges can be used to help our children develop the characteristics and values that we want the to have as adults. The way we deal with those challenges is critical to helping our kiddos get those great values and skills.
Here’s an example. Many of us struggle with getting our kids to clean up their toys. If you have a family value of respect for objects and the environment, instead of getting in to a power struggle about picking up toys on any given night, you can slow down and think about what else might help you model and teach that value to your child. Could you do it together? Could you make it a game? Could you notice you are in a power struggle and let it go in that moment? Could you trust that if you did the clean up that time it doesn't mean they will go off to college and never know how to clean up? Could you have a family discussion about the problem of hassles over clean up, ask your child what ideas they have (works with young kiddos too!), and come up with a solution together that everyone can agree to stick with?
There's no one option that is perfect for all families. While we may have similar values on our lists, we have different ones too based on our own unique life experience. The goal of long-term parenting is to focus on how we can deal with challenges in ways that invite our children to gain the life skills we want them to have. As each new parenting challenge arises, keep in mind these life skills and how you can continually move towards them through discipline.
In the third part of this series, I offer specific tools for moving toward your long-term parenting goals.
Long-Term Parenting: Broaden Your Horizon
01/30/12 07:54 AM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Sarina Behar Natkin
Facing the challenges of daily life, we often get stuck in whatever our current parenting struggle is. It can be quite overwhelming to face some of wtheacky behaviors our little cuties present us with. We think to ourselves that if we don't handle this issue perfectly and right away, we are going to screw our kids up, we are failures as parents, their behavior is our fault, they are going to have a meltdown, and so am I!
When we adopt a wider lens, it gets us out of the immediate power struggle, frees us up not to be "perfect" parents, and allows us more time to slow down and really think before acting. When we slow down, we can usually find more options for how to deal with the current stressor. We also gain the ability to respond with greater empathy, which usually leads to quicker changes in behavior than when we respond from a place of fear and frustration.
No matter your particular parenting style, I think we can agree that our main goal as parents is to raise responsible, respectful, and happy children who have the skills needed to navigate their world as adults. Our main role as parents is to teach and guide our children through the ins and outs of daily life. Teach and Guide. Those are the key words here. What skills do great teachers have? What is it that great mentors do that help us learn and grow?
Take a few minutes and think about the very best teachers, coaches, mentors, and bosses you have had in your life. What did you love about them? How did they teach you? What did they say when you succeeded? What about when you failed? Did they give you all the answers or help you find them for yourself? Did they enforce harsh consequences, or did they ask you how you planned to fix the situation? Did they micromanage or give a few instructions and let you have a try? Did they tell you what you couldn’t do or ask you what barriers may be in your way? Did they yell and banish you when you had big emotions or did they teach you how to deal with the emotions?
Somewhere along the way our society accepted the belief that children learn differently than adults. We took Pavlov and Skinner’s approach and applied it to our kids. We decided rewards and punishments were the best way to teach our children. One of my favorite quotes says it best: “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” (Dr. Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline). Do you thrive on shame, blame, and punishment? Yes, it may change behavior in the moment, but does it inspire you to learn and grow? That is the heart of parenting- inspiring our children to learn and grow in a place where they never doubt our love and respect for them.
I hope by now the difference is clear. Keep that image in mind of the teacher who challenged you way beyond what you thought you were capable of, or that boss who said, “I believe in you” when you failed. That’s where we want to parent from. The best part is what it does for our children. They act out less because they trust more.
We can take a little pressure off ourselves too. We don’t have to respond perfectly every time. We have the opportunity to model for our children that learning is a life long process and each mistake we make along the way is just one more opportunity to grow.
This is the first of a three part series on long-term parenting. The second post offers tools for widening your parenting lens. Part three offers specific tools for moving toward your long-term parenting goals.
When we adopt a wider lens, it gets us out of the immediate power struggle, frees us up not to be "perfect" parents, and allows us more time to slow down and really think before acting. When we slow down, we can usually find more options for how to deal with the current stressor. We also gain the ability to respond with greater empathy, which usually leads to quicker changes in behavior than when we respond from a place of fear and frustration.
No matter your particular parenting style, I think we can agree that our main goal as parents is to raise responsible, respectful, and happy children who have the skills needed to navigate their world as adults. Our main role as parents is to teach and guide our children through the ins and outs of daily life. Teach and Guide. Those are the key words here. What skills do great teachers have? What is it that great mentors do that help us learn and grow?
Take a few minutes and think about the very best teachers, coaches, mentors, and bosses you have had in your life. What did you love about them? How did they teach you? What did they say when you succeeded? What about when you failed? Did they give you all the answers or help you find them for yourself? Did they enforce harsh consequences, or did they ask you how you planned to fix the situation? Did they micromanage or give a few instructions and let you have a try? Did they tell you what you couldn’t do or ask you what barriers may be in your way? Did they yell and banish you when you had big emotions or did they teach you how to deal with the emotions?
Somewhere along the way our society accepted the belief that children learn differently than adults. We took Pavlov and Skinner’s approach and applied it to our kids. We decided rewards and punishments were the best way to teach our children. One of my favorite quotes says it best: “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” (Dr. Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline). Do you thrive on shame, blame, and punishment? Yes, it may change behavior in the moment, but does it inspire you to learn and grow? That is the heart of parenting- inspiring our children to learn and grow in a place where they never doubt our love and respect for them.
I hope by now the difference is clear. Keep that image in mind of the teacher who challenged you way beyond what you thought you were capable of, or that boss who said, “I believe in you” when you failed. That’s where we want to parent from. The best part is what it does for our children. They act out less because they trust more.
We can take a little pressure off ourselves too. We don’t have to respond perfectly every time. We have the opportunity to model for our children that learning is a life long process and each mistake we make along the way is just one more opportunity to grow.
This is the first of a three part series on long-term parenting. The second post offers tools for widening your parenting lens. Part three offers specific tools for moving toward your long-term parenting goals.
Three Parenting Tips to Childproof Parenting
01/21/12 02:14 PM Filed in: General Parenting Self Care
By Melissa Benaroya
Parenting is a tough job and requires lots of on the job training. We only become better parents when we take care our ourselves, stay open to learning, and practice parenting tools that are in alignment with our values. There are lots of things we can do to be the parents that we want to be. But it is usually best to only focus on two or three areas of improvement at a time. Here are a few reminders that will not only help make parenting feel less stressful, but also make parenting your kiddos more enjoyable.
Take care of yourself first! If you are not fueled you cannot be the parent, partner, friend, employee, etc., that you want to be. I love to use the oxygen mask analogy. When traveling on an airplane, they always review the safety procedures. They remind you that in case of emergency you must put your oxygen mask on FIRST when traveling with a small child. WHY? The reason being that if you put the child’s mask on first you risk not being able to get yours on in time. You could potentially lose consciousness and then be of no use to that child. Nobody survives!!! The same is true in parenting. In order to continue to care for our children the way we want to we MUST care for ourselves first!
Listen. Listen to your children. What do they really want, what do they really need? Many times children are expressing their needs through their actions or inconvenient behaviors. If we listen more we can better understand our children and what they need. Many times what we hear is the nagging, crying or whining that is on top, but if we take the time to really listen we can usually hear a yearning for attention and connection. And when we have a greater understanding of what they want or need, it can decrease the frustrations that we have with our children and ultimately decrease some of those behaviors.
Ask questions. Children use their behavior as a way of getting their needs met most of the time. Underneath these behaviors are needs of wanting attention, to be connected to you, to feel a sense of belonging or significance. It is hard to see this most times when they are yelling, throwing, kicking or even ignoring us. Asking questions can help our children to better understand what they want and need and can also help us to better understand our children. Simply asking, “sweetie, what is it that you need right now?” when there is a meltdown or blow up, can de-escalate the situation, help your child to feel heard and also help your child to get clear on exactly what it is they really want.
If you are interested in learning more about Childproof parenting you can find the book The Childproof Parent written by Benaroya & Dowdy here. You can also sign up for one of the Award Winning Mommy Matters eight week workshops offered in Seattle online at www.MommyMattersSeattle.com or email Melissa directly at Melissa@growparenting.com. The next Mommy Matters workshop begins January 25th!
MOMMY MATTERS AWARDS 2011
Parenting is a tough job and requires lots of on the job training. We only become better parents when we take care our ourselves, stay open to learning, and practice parenting tools that are in alignment with our values. There are lots of things we can do to be the parents that we want to be. But it is usually best to only focus on two or three areas of improvement at a time. Here are a few reminders that will not only help make parenting feel less stressful, but also make parenting your kiddos more enjoyable.
Take care of yourself first! If you are not fueled you cannot be the parent, partner, friend, employee, etc., that you want to be. I love to use the oxygen mask analogy. When traveling on an airplane, they always review the safety procedures. They remind you that in case of emergency you must put your oxygen mask on FIRST when traveling with a small child. WHY? The reason being that if you put the child’s mask on first you risk not being able to get yours on in time. You could potentially lose consciousness and then be of no use to that child. Nobody survives!!! The same is true in parenting. In order to continue to care for our children the way we want to we MUST care for ourselves first!
Listen. Listen to your children. What do they really want, what do they really need? Many times children are expressing their needs through their actions or inconvenient behaviors. If we listen more we can better understand our children and what they need. Many times what we hear is the nagging, crying or whining that is on top, but if we take the time to really listen we can usually hear a yearning for attention and connection. And when we have a greater understanding of what they want or need, it can decrease the frustrations that we have with our children and ultimately decrease some of those behaviors.
Ask questions. Children use their behavior as a way of getting their needs met most of the time. Underneath these behaviors are needs of wanting attention, to be connected to you, to feel a sense of belonging or significance. It is hard to see this most times when they are yelling, throwing, kicking or even ignoring us. Asking questions can help our children to better understand what they want and need and can also help us to better understand our children. Simply asking, “sweetie, what is it that you need right now?” when there is a meltdown or blow up, can de-escalate the situation, help your child to feel heard and also help your child to get clear on exactly what it is they really want.
If you are interested in learning more about Childproof parenting you can find the book The Childproof Parent written by Benaroya & Dowdy here. You can also sign up for one of the Award Winning Mommy Matters eight week workshops offered in Seattle online at www.MommyMattersSeattle.com or email Melissa directly at Melissa@growparenting.com. The next Mommy Matters workshop begins January 25th!
MOMMY MATTERS AWARDS 2011
Cabin Fever!
01/19/12 12:09 PM Filed in: General Parenting
By Sarina Behar Natkin
If you are in the Seattle area, you have most likely been home all week with the kiddos. You may have had a brief break on Tuesday when school started two hours late and ended two hours early, but besides that, most of us have been home since the snow came on Sunday. I have been reflecting lately on how the sheer joy of a snow day as a child can turn us in to grumpy parents, wondering when life can get back to normal. So four days in to our Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon or whatever you want to call it, lets help each other out. Here's 5 indoor activities using things many of us have in the house to help entertain the wee ones. Then it's your turn!
1) Streamers or Toilet Paper
While this is technically wasting paper, which we are often reminding our kids not to do, if you have been on kid duty since the weekend it might just be worth it. Let them t.p. the inside of the house or design some new clothes by wrapping it around themselves.
2) Shaving Cream
Fill up a bowl, bucket or any other largish container and let them at it. Throw in some measuring cups, plastic containers, a whisk, a ladle and they should be ready to create. It cleans up pretty easy too.
3) Painters Tape or Masking Tape
Both of these tapes come off walls, floors and furniture very easy (test first, some are stickier than others). Kids can make a hopscotch game on the floor with the tape, they can tape toys together to create new inventions. See how many different uses they can find for it.
4) Cleaning Party
Arm your preschooler with a duster, rag and spray bottle with water. Kids love to play clean up when we are not actually asking them to! Ask them to dust or wipe down their toy area. I have seen a three year old keep busy for an hour with a spray bottle and a rag!
5) Teddy Bear Hide and Seek
Hide a stuffed animal and let your little one find it. You can give them clues by saying warmer and colder as they search. Warning-I recommend not using a favorite snuggle. Little ones may become distressed if they can't find it immediately and I know many of us have been known to get distracted and forget where we put things!
Ready for your turn? Tell us what you do to keep yourself and your kiddos sane when stuck indoors. Trust me, we could use the ideas too!
If you are in the Seattle area, you have most likely been home all week with the kiddos. You may have had a brief break on Tuesday when school started two hours late and ended two hours early, but besides that, most of us have been home since the snow came on Sunday. I have been reflecting lately on how the sheer joy of a snow day as a child can turn us in to grumpy parents, wondering when life can get back to normal. So four days in to our Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon or whatever you want to call it, lets help each other out. Here's 5 indoor activities using things many of us have in the house to help entertain the wee ones. Then it's your turn!
1) Streamers or Toilet Paper
While this is technically wasting paper, which we are often reminding our kids not to do, if you have been on kid duty since the weekend it might just be worth it. Let them t.p. the inside of the house or design some new clothes by wrapping it around themselves.
2) Shaving Cream
Fill up a bowl, bucket or any other largish container and let them at it. Throw in some measuring cups, plastic containers, a whisk, a ladle and they should be ready to create. It cleans up pretty easy too.
3) Painters Tape or Masking Tape
Both of these tapes come off walls, floors and furniture very easy (test first, some are stickier than others). Kids can make a hopscotch game on the floor with the tape, they can tape toys together to create new inventions. See how many different uses they can find for it.
4) Cleaning Party
Arm your preschooler with a duster, rag and spray bottle with water. Kids love to play clean up when we are not actually asking them to! Ask them to dust or wipe down their toy area. I have seen a three year old keep busy for an hour with a spray bottle and a rag!
5) Teddy Bear Hide and Seek
Hide a stuffed animal and let your little one find it. You can give them clues by saying warmer and colder as they search. Warning-I recommend not using a favorite snuggle. Little ones may become distressed if they can't find it immediately and I know many of us have been known to get distracted and forget where we put things!
Ready for your turn? Tell us what you do to keep yourself and your kiddos sane when stuck indoors. Trust me, we could use the ideas too!